PSA

I made this for you:

The BAYne of my existence.

I know you've all been waiting with bated breath to get my opinion on, what I think, is one of the greatest atrocities I've ever heard of in my life.

This. This is the thing.

Well, I spent a good long time writing a letter to Michael Bay, and here's a draft:

Dear Mr. Bay,

Contrary to popular opinion I don't hate all the movies you've done. I am, in fact, a big fan of explosions. However, I am afraid that you seem to be a bit confused. You've recently stated your plans to reboot the TMNT, which, I must admit, is a subject near and dear to my heart.

Forever.

Now, I don't mean to embarrass you, but you have apparently not done enough research in the writing of your movie. Actually, you must not have done any research at all. If you had, you would have discovered that TMNT is actually short for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and not, as you believe, Teenage Alien Ninja Aliens, AND IF YOU MAKE IT THAT WAY I WILL COME TO YOUR HOUSE AND I WILL CUT YOU! SO HELP ME, I WILL EAT YOUR SOUL!... excuse me I lost my composure for a minute. Mr. Bay, I don't know what my inner child ever did to offend you, but I deeply and sincerely apologize. Please leave my childhood alone. Please. If you do this I WILL BURY YOU ALIVE IN A COFFIN FILLED WITH THE BITTER TEARS OF ALL THE CHILDREN YOU HAVE SO CARELESSLY HURT. I urge you to reconsider.

Professionally yours,

Zak Ison

Super Zero

Howdy readership. Have I told you lately that I love you? Because I do. If you read my blog, I love you. Not just because you read my blog though. It's deeper than that. Knock Knock, who's there? You. You are there. You are beautiful people.

This is you guys

So I have been watching X-men: The Animated Series on Netflix lately, because I use my time wisely. If you are surprised by this, hello! My name is Zak. We obviously have not met. As I watch X-men and other shows and movies like it, I am always really impressed that the heroes and villains have the presence of mind to have all this witty banter while people are trying to kill them and things are exploding all around them.

*Hero gets shot at as he or she runs around. Shoots a man in the face*

Hero: He really bit the bullet on that one.

Villain: I have a surprise for you.

H: Will I like it?

V: It's to die for!

*Explosion right behind hero*

H: I PREFER THIS RINGING IN MY EARS TO HEARING YOUR VOICE, LOSER!

V: No need to shout. My you have an explosive temper!

H: ARE YOU STILL TALKING!? YOU'RE MAKING MY EARS BLEED! BUT SERIOUSLY, I CAN'T HEAR YOU, MY EARDRUMS ARE RUPTURED.

Sometimes I imagine myself in situations like that.

Yes. Sometimes...

I like to believe that in a similar situation I would be that smooth and composed, throwing out one liners as quickly as I was throwing out bullets and grenades. But who am I kidding? It would definitely not work like that. It would probably be more like this:

*I get shot at as I run around. Shoot a man in the face*

Me: Holy Crap! I just shot a guy! I need therapy!

Villain:I have a surprise for you!

M: I don't want it!

V: Um... Well I already put a deposit on it, so you are getting it anyway!

*Explosion right behind me*

M: AHHHHH MY EARS! I CAN'T HEAR! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT!

V:Don't explode at me!

M: MY EARS ARE BLEEDING! HOLY CRAP I'M DEAF! OH MAN THIS IS BAD!

V: I can't play off of this. How am I supposed to be witty when you are freaking out like this?

M: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Even if I succeeded and saved the day, I wouldn't be cool. I would be freaking out and be in therapy for PTSD for the rest of my life. Oh well.

Fortunate Son

Today is awesome. Number one, it is my parents anniversary. The celebration of the formation of our family. It also happens to be Pi day. A day to celebrate pi, sure, but also a day to celebrate PIE. I love pie. It is my favorite dessert. My Mom also happens to make the best pies. Is this a coincidence? Yes. Yes it is. But it is a hilarious and awesome coincidence. This day needs TRADITIONS!

You know what I want to try my hand at? Writing fortune cookies. How much fun could you have with that? Here are a few of my ideas:

Mary, I know what you did. You can't hide it from me.

(This might not make a lot of sense to a lot of people, but can you imagine if a woman named Mary got that cookie?)

Today is a good day to run away and join the circus, but if that's not your thing then I would, I dunno, be nice to others so they will be nice to you. There you go.

Commit to that goal you've been meaning to make. You'll die if you don't.

Today, you are the most awesome person in the world. Way to go!

Leave a good tip. These people work hard to give you good Chinese.

Some people are born with greatness. Others have greatness thrust upon them. Others get advice from cookies.

Do you have any sweet ideas?

Child's Play

I would like to wish my entire readership a happy International Woman's Day (I am under the impression that pretty much all of my readers are attractive single women). I must confess that I wasn't aware today was Woman's Day until late last night. It confused me. Why did we still have school? I mean, we didn't have school on President's Day. I mean, presidents are great, but a day celebrating over 50% of the planet? And we have to go to school? That, to me, is bush league. Grade A baloney. Women are awesome, and I didn't feel I had time today to celebrate them correctly today.

I thought today, for all the ladies out there, I would talk about my childhood. I was a pretty adorable child.

Eh? Eh?

Anyway, when I was a kid I thought the reason Sunday was called Sunday was because it NEVER rained that day. I seriously thought that the Sun had to come out every Sunday. It took forever too, for it to finally rain on a Sunday. I was so mad. I was mad at the universe. It lied to me.

I also used to take that "don't step on a sidewalk crack" thing really seriously. Who was the sick individual who came up with that rhyme? I mean threatening my family? and for what? so that little children could walk around like idiots? Don't step on a sidewalk crack or your mom'll fall and break her back. And it would've been all my fault. Imagine if it would have happened on Woman's day! Sick.

Sheeple

Oh hey, look. I finally updated my layout. Sorry it's blurry-ish. At least it's AWESOME. In case you weren't aware, this was the winner of the Layout contest thing on my blog's Facebook Page, which you can still like, if you like my blog and haven't liked it already.

I have a lot of homework this weekend. So much that instead of doing it I am working on my blog. I do it because I have excellent priorities. I actually had a lot more homework, but I did have a spurt of responsibility and got a ton of it done (So don't be too worried, Mom and Dad). But now I am going to offer you more of my opinions and thoughts.

Valentine's day is coming up. People have a lot of opinions on Valentine's day. In three days expect a flood of "VALENTINE'S DAY IS SO DUMB I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND AND I STILL THINK THAT IT'S STUPID BECAUSE I AM JUST SO SMART." kinds of posts. I hate to tell you this, but these people are better than you. They are so much smarter and better, in fact, that they can no longer have any fun. They are too smart to fall for that kind of child's play. Why would you just have one day set aside to show love to the special people in your life? You can do that every day! You are stupid for giving into the hype created by the evil arts and crafts tycoons. They are sitting up there on their throne of lies laughing at you for being gullible enough to fall for their "VALENTINE'S DAY" scam. It's a good thing that these people are here for you. They can save you from your ignorance.

This kind of person can also save you from liking a movie the common, uneducated masses think is awesome, because they know better. You enjoyed the new Sherlock Holmes? Have you even read the books? That movie sucked. Why? They would try to explain, but you are too dumb to understand.They can already tell that the Avengers is going to be lame. Why? They just can. They have a pretentious sixth sense.

I am dumb. I don't see a problem with Valentine's day. I don't think that the war on Christmas is a thing. I like bad movies. I like to, heaven forbid, have fun sometimes. Ignorance is bliss. People can be better than me if they want. I'm probably to stupid to even notice they are scoffing at me. "Look at that idiot over there being happy," They'll say "I am so much better than him because I shun happy things. I know better." And good for them. I will never achieve that level of awesomeness. I guess I'll just wallow down here in my fun and joy.

About Time

It has been a whole month since I last posted a blog. How terrible is that? I still have my Christmas layout up. I am that guy who doesn’t take down his Christmas Decorations until months after Christmas, but online. I apologize. I could give you all these excuses about how busy I am and how much work school gives me, but….I just did, actually. Anyway, I will try to do better.

You know what freaks me out? Time travel. I can’t think about it for too long, or my brain starts melting out of my ears. As you may know I have a very critical and inquisitive mind, and nothing about time travel ever makes sense to me. Every little change can change EVERYTHING in the future. Every little shift. There are countless tiny little events that HAVE TO HAD OCCURRED for you to even exist, and if one, even one of those things is altered, boom. You’re gone. And no one notices. Nobody notices anything is off, but everything has changed. If time travel EVER exists EVER, then we cannot be sure of anything. Our lives could constantly be shifting. All of the experiences I remember and all the things I’ve done could change if someone goes back and trips over the wrong thing or stands in the wrong place. Each small action has a nearly infinite amount of implications.

One good thing is, though, that time travel provides an excellent excuse for anything. “I had a job, Mom. I was a doctor yesterday, probably. It’s those darn time travelers, always screwing with things.”

“Why are you late to class?”

“Time travelers.”

“What?”

“Well, I was gonna be on time for class, but some time traveler dropped a napkin, so some guy bent over to pick it up, blocking another pedestrian who then had to slow down for a moment, causing her to cross the street in front of me at the moment that I was at that crosswalk which led to me hit a red light which stopped me from catching my roommate as he was leaving, and that prevented me from learning that he had spilled water on the toaster and shorted out the electricity in our apartment, so I was unaware that my computer was running on battery so when it ran out and shut down, I lost all the work I did on our assignment and had to go to the library and finish it there, and because I was there at that time I ran into an ex-girlfriend who talked my ear off. Most likely.”

In fact, I probably wrote all kinds of sweet blog posts in January, but then – time travel. I will be better about writing in the future, unless time travelers screw that up too.