Monday, October 31, 2011

Hello ween

Since today is Halloween, I thought I would try a little something different. I can't really put a costume on this entry, but I can "dress up" my language to sound like someone different. I can still pretend to be someone else as I write this. So I decided that who I wanted to be was a 18-19th century individual who traveled through time... and decided to blog about it I guess.

It is the evening of October the 31st in the year of 2011. I am a long way, or, rather, a long when from my home. It is the night of "All Hallows Even." It appears that the traditions of the holiday have been greatly altered from those of my time. For instance, in my time we dressed as saints to scare away evil demons, wicked spirits, and all manner of unseemly creatures. In this day, it is shocking to see that grown men have dressed themselves in the tightest of clothing, with nothing to cover their shame but long capes on their backs. They call themselves "superheroes" but nothing in their manner recalls to my memory the heroes of old. It seems to me that many of these men are insecure and dress as these "heroes" to absorb themselves, for this one evening, in some sort of fantasy. The women, on the other hand, use the holiday as an excuse to remove the greater part of their clothing and run around in nothing but their undergarments. It is quite scandalous and shameful. It seems it is the children, however, that take greatest advantage from this holiday. They also get to absorb themselves in this world of fantasy, but instead of using their costume to try and impress females for the chance of courtship, like the men, or to show the largest amount of their skin as is lawful as the women do, they don their disguises and begin to solicit sweets from their surrounding neighbors. The neighbors seem to be delighted at this notion, and are quite likely to give them the confections they require. I began to desire some of the sweets that were being so freely passed, so I decided to try this "trick for treat." It seems that I did not have the same bewitching power as the children, because as I knocked on the same doors, instead of delight and sweets, all that waited was ugly looks and reprimands. It seems that I am unwelcome and must return to my own time. Godspeed.

-Octavius Blatherstone III

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

The Bored Room

I know what you are all thinking, "Wow, 3 blogs in one week! What did we do to deserve this?" I assure you that you are not being punished, I have just been especially bored lately. My mom always teases me when I complain about being bored. "OH NO!" she says. "That is a fate worse than death for you." And I have to truthfully respond to her now with an "almost." Boredom is the worst, and it is hard for me, because I suffer from ADD. I have been able to control it up to the point where I can function somewhat in society, but oh look oreos, I need some milk. HAHA! ADD humor! I guess the point I am trying to make here is that my attention span leaves a lot to be desired.

I really need something exciting to happen in my life on a pretty regular basis. Right now I am past due for something crazy fun. Don't get me wrong. My life is awesome. I have the best family and the coolest friends. We have fun all the time. If my entire life was being awesome with my friends and family I would have nothing to complain about. The awesomeness of my friends and family just make the moments of boredom worse. I have been spoiled into thinking that life should be a party all day every day. I really think it should and could be. But I have been home working for several months now, and the routine is starting to get to me. If something exciting doesn't happen soon my head may explode, which would admittedly be very exciting, though not helpful, because I would be dead.

Therefore I need to start planning exciting things instead of just sitting here writing in my blog. Look, a Balloon T-Rex!

Monday, October 24, 2011


I want to talk today about curse words. I have never particularly been a fan of these words, but they have always intrigued me. Before you jump down my throat I will include the disclaimer here, in case my Bishop or someone is reading this and wondering, that I do not use or condone the use of swear words. I also apologize because I just went through this and it isn't very funny. If that is a problem you can stop reading now if you want.

Growing up, profanities, like many things, confused me. What was it about these words that made them so much worse than other words? I mean, I understood that swear words referred to things that were vulgar, but I also understood that while words like "poop" only drew funny faces and mild reprimands whereas other, less repeatable words sparked a frenzy like I'd never before seen. Words were words to me, and out of a list of several that meant the same thing, for some reason one was unacceptable.

Looking at them now, from the perspective of an English major, I understand that these words not only mean bad things, some are insanely insulting and others take sensitive subject matter and present it in a way that is much too casual. Not only that but they also sound ugly. While these words mean they same thing as other words, they portray them in a way that draws out strong emotions. And that is mainly the way that curse words are used today. They are all about the shock and awe and not so much about the meaning or content. Essentially they are the Ozzy Osbourne of one's vocabulary.

People today swear because they associate the strong feelings tied to these words with the passion of their argument, or because they mistake the shock value for humor. To me, swear words are the lazy and unintelligent way to emphasize or bring emotion to what you are trying to say. They are like sentence steroids, amping up the feeling and emphasis of the sentence, while sacrificing what really makes feeling and emphasis important.

It is possible to beef up your sentence without these performance enhancers, but it requires people to actually study the English language a bit, and to exercise their communication skills. For some reason this makes people defensive more than anything I know of. If you correct somebody's math they laugh and comment about how much they hate math, or about how bad they are at it. Correct their English and they react the same as if you'd personally dug up their dog and used it's corpse to wash your car. I have probably already offended tons of people with my unapologetic criticism of vulgarians. I WILL NOT APOLOGIZE FOR THE TRUTH! I will apologize if I offended people though, because that really was not my intention. I guess what I am trying to say is that the next time you are tempted to swear, ask yourself what you could say that would be more intelligent and meaningful. I guarantee that there is something.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Trial and Error

I have a lot of free time just to think, and I occasionally will think about why my life is as awesome it is. This exercise of counting my blessings has led me to be extremely grateful that I was born into the era I was born into. I mean, with all of the technology that we have and the comforts we enjoy, we have it easy. This video explains pretty well how I feel about life:

Life is awesome. I often think about how terrible it would be for me to have been born in a different era. I watched the movie 17 Miracles and realized how grumpy I get when I have to walk to the Ricks building at school when it is snowing, yet these people spent all day wading back and forth through a frozen river with only a quarter of a bowl of nasty oatmeal stuff in their stomachs. I skip breakfast and say "I'm STARVING!" and as I stare into my fridge and cupboard at the vast amounts of food I complain about how there is nothing to eat.

I think the point of history class is to show people how miserable it would have been to live in the past. Everyone knows how much it would have sucked to have to live during the Bubonic Plague. People dying all around and those creepy crow doctors coming in to terrify you in your last moments of life.
Seriously, this was the last thing a lot of people saw before they died

What really freaks me out the most, however, are the eras that predate written language. I used to think being a caveman would have been awesome, but then I found out that there was no way that humans and dinosaurs interacted and my opinion changed. These eras that occured before we progressed enough to draw images to convey information to others must have been terrible. Everything they learned was through good old fashioned trial and error. Think about it for a while. I have always heard people joke around about who had the idea to eat eggs or who drank milk from a cows utter the first time. But seriously think about it. There was a time in human history where we had to figure out what was edible and what was not. Entire generations of people with no one to tell them from experience what was good for food and what wasn't. Presumably they just ran around sticking everything they could find in their mouths to see if it was good to eat. Then, once fire was invented and they figured out some things tasted different once cooked, they had to start all over again.

For every wheel or flame they discovered, there must have been thousands of failures and deaths trying things that seemed like a good idea at the time. These were eras before common sense was invented, and nature isn't always the best example. How many cavemen died trying to fly because they saw birds do it? I mean, people were dying trying to do that up to 150 years ago, long after thinking became popular.

Although I do make plenty of stupid mistakes, I am extremely grateful for those who came before me who made the stupidest mistakes. Those who gave their lives in the earliest pursuits of knowledge, so that I, hundreds of thousands of years later, can think back and laugh at how incredibly asinine they seem to me today.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Life Is But A Dream

I often wonder about the lyrics of the song "Row, row, row your boat." I mean, does that guy love rowing his boat or what? Life is but a dream? Is he on drugs? That is some pretty psychedelic talk for a rowboater. What is that song supposed to teach children anyway? All work you do is meaningless because life is but a dream. Row gently, because you really aren't in control, you are going down the stream and are at the mercy of the current. Don't wear yourself out.

This has been one of those weeks. I like how you can just say that and not have to really explain. Everyone knows what "those weeks" are. It is never really like "Dude, it has been one of those weeks this week." "An ice cream party week? Zombie apocalypse week? Specify please!" The way we can do that fascinates me. The evolution of communication is an awesome thing.

There is a baseball player on the Brewers named Prince Fielder. That is hilarious to me. Are his parents Queen Pitcher and King Batter? "Go grab your sister Princess Shortstop honey, it's time for dinner." I think the Brewers should have changed their logo for October to include the three witches from Macbeth. They were the coolest Brewers.

Why is it called October when it is the tenth month? Everyone knows that Octo means 8, so it would make sense for October to be the eighth month right?

These are the things I think about.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Blast From The Past

So I was trying to think of something to blog about, but I couldn't. Instead, I am going to copy and paste something I wrote in April 2007:

Hello all my friends
I am wearing pants right now
you're very welcome

If you were not aware, the above phrase is a haiku. A Haiku is a sort of poem in which the first line has 5 syllables, the second has 7, and the last once again 5. I love haiku's. They are short, and to the point. I wonder who's idea it was though. I mean was some guy just sitting there thinking "I really want to write a poem, but I don't feel like writing more than 3 lines. Maybe every line should have 5 syllables in, variety is the spice of life...the second will have 7! hahahaha! I am a genius!" I really don't get it.

I also like limericks. Did you know that 85% of limericks made up on the spot contain "Nantucket"? Probably not, because I just made that figure up. Were limericks invented in Nantucket? Is that the reason half of all limericks have it in there? I can only think of a few things that even rhyme with it. This poor man from Nantucket always is holding a bucket of some sort, or screaming obscenities.

Enough about poetry. Other things I don't understand. How can people claim that no two snowflakes are alike? How can they be so sure? Have they seen every single snowflake that has ever existed? I don't think they have.

I have a theory. This theory is that if you want to become famous, you either have to die young, or go completley insane by the end of your life. Think about it. That is why so many actors and actresses are scientologists nowadays, because they don't want to die.

I also think that the breaking a mirror is bad luck thing was made up by an angry mom. I bet it all went down like this. Some kid was being reckless and broke his moms mirror. Maybe he even did this more than once. His mom got pissed off and told him that for every mirror he broke it was 7 years of bad luck. He then told all his friends.

The other day I was driving along and I passed this old man. He was all alone in the car, and he was just smiling really big. This led me to realize most people look pissed off when they drive. Pissed off or totally blank. This old man got me thinking how much I take for granted. He just looked so happy for the opportunity to drive a car. He looked like he was just happy that he was able to still have his drivers license. I'm probably totally wrong though. He was probably just senile.

I have a hard time sometimes thinking of things to type, so I'll hit shift, then not type anything. I'll often do this 5 times in a row, bringing up the sticky keys option.

This is the end guys
Have a great day or evening
I rock at haiku

That was it. I must've been pretty tired when I wrote that. Oh, and another thing. Read Melissa's blog. It is pretty awesome:

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Awe! I am bloging about things that drive me nuttttttttts!

Today on my blog I am going to rant about things people do on the internet that would make most of their second grade English teachers cry bitter tears. I have touched on some of it on Facebook already, so if some of this seems repetitive, that is because it is.

Sometimes a word ends in a silent e. For example "Fine." If one wants to extend this word, it will not do to repeat the silent e. Fineeeeeee does not equal Fiiiiiiiiiine. The sound that you want to emphasize should be extended. Also, if the word ends in a consonant that isn't s,n,f,r,l,z,v or m it cannot be extended either. sweetttttttttt is not sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet. The multiple t's make it sound more like a machine gun.
There are some words that when putting them in past or present participle form require the person to add an extra consonant. This rule is very important to remember. When you say "I poped my balloon" you are not saying that you made your balloon explode, you are saying that you made it the head of the Roman Catholic Church. Of course this goes both ways. You cannot add a consonant where it doesn't belong. Batman is not the "capped crusader." In fact, he rarely wears hats with his costume.
Lastly (for now), when you find something cute, or want to express sympathy, "awe" is not the correct expression. The dictionary gives the following definition for awe:
"an overwhelming feeling of reverence, admiration, fear, etc.,produced by that which is grand, sublime, extremely powerful, or the like."
So unless that picture of a puppy in people clothes inspired fear and respect or finding out your friend had a cold shocked you into the realization of the fragility of life and majesty of the immune system, then you are using the wrong term. What you are looking for is "aw," which is just a noise that people make. Once or twice I have seen the incorrect use of this word combined with the first issue I raised to create "aweeee!" which is just all kinds of wrong. To me it looks as though the person was interrupted in the middle of their thought by an amusement park ride of some sort.
I realize that this blog post will mainly be read by literate individuals, but I hope that someday we can all work together to make the internet a much more intelligent place.