Tuesday, March 27, 2012

The BAYne of my existence.



I know you've all been waiting with bated breath to get my opinion on, what I think, is one of the greatest atrocities I've ever heard of in my life.

This. This is the thing.

Well, I spent a good long time writing a letter to Michael Bay, and here's a draft:

Dear Mr. Bay,
Contrary to popular opinion I don't hate all the movies you've done. I am, in fact, a big fan of explosions. However, I am afraid that you seem to be a bit confused. You've recently stated your plans to reboot the TMNT, which, I must admit, is a subject near and dear to my heart.

Forever.
Now, I don't mean to embarrass you, but you have apparently not done enough research in the writing of your movie. Actually, you must not have done any research at all. If you had, you would have discovered that TMNT is actually short for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and not, as you believe, Teenage Alien Ninja Aliens, AND IF YOU MAKE IT THAT WAY I WILL COME TO YOUR HOUSE AND I WILL CUT YOU! SO HELP ME, I WILL EAT YOUR SOUL!... excuse me I lost my composure for a minute. Mr. Bay, I don't know what my inner child ever did to offend you, but I deeply and sincerely apologize. Please leave my childhood alone. Please. If you do this I WILL BURY YOU ALIVE IN A COFFIN FILLED WITH THE BITTER TEARS OF ALL THE CHILDREN YOU HAVE SO CARELESSLY HURT. I urge you to reconsider.
Professionally yours,
Zak Ison

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Super Zero


Howdy readership. Have I told you lately that I love you? Because I do. If you read my blog, I love you. Not just because you read my blog though. It's deeper than that. Knock Knock, who's there? You. You are there. You are beautiful people.


This is you guys

So I have been watching X-men: The Animated Series on Netflix lately, because I use my time wisely. If you are surprised by this, hello! My name is Zak. We obviously have not met. As I watch X-men and other shows and movies like it, I am always really impressed that the heroes and villains have the presence of mind to have all this witty banter while people are trying to kill them and things are exploding all around them.

*Hero gets shot at as he or she runs around. Shoots a man in the face*
Hero: He really bit the bullet on that one.
Villain: I have a surprise for you.
H: Will I like it?
V: It's to die for!
*Explosion right behind hero*
H: I PREFER THIS RINGING IN MY EARS TO HEARING YOUR VOICE, LOSER!
V: No need to shout. My you have an explosive temper!
H: ARE YOU STILL TALKING!? YOU'RE MAKING MY EARS BLEED! BUT SERIOUSLY, I CAN'T HEAR YOU, MY EARDRUMS ARE RUPTURED.

Sometimes I imagine myself in situations like that.

Yes. Sometimes...

I like to believe that in a similar situation I would be that smooth and composed, throwing out one liners as quickly as I was throwing out bullets and grenades. But who am I kidding? It would definitely not work like that. It would probably be more like this:

*I get shot at as I run around. Shoot a man in the face*
Me: Holy Crap! I just shot a guy! I need therapy!
Villain:I have a surprise for you!
M: I don't want it!
V: Um... Well I already put a deposit on it, so you are getting it anyway!
*Explosion right behind me*
M: AHHHHH MY EARS! I CAN'T HEAR! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT!
V:Don't explode at me!
M: MY EARS ARE BLEEDING! HOLY CRAP I'M DEAF! OH MAN THIS IS BAD!
V: I can't play off of this. How am I supposed to be witty when you are freaking out like this?
M: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Even if I succeeded and saved the day, I wouldn't be cool. I would be freaking out and be in therapy for PTSD for the rest of my life. Oh well.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Fortunate Son

Today is awesome. Number one, it is my parents anniversary. The celebration of the formation of our family. It also happens to be Pi day. A day to celebrate pi, sure, but also a day to celebrate PIE. I love pie. It is my favorite dessert. My Mom also happens to make the best pies. Is this a coincidence? Yes. Yes it is. But it is a hilarious and awesome coincidence. This day needs TRADITIONS!

You know what I want to try my hand at? Writing fortune cookies. How much fun could you have with that? Here are a few of my ideas:

Mary, I know what you did. You can't hide it from me.
(This might not make a lot of sense to a lot of people, but can you imagine if a woman named Mary got that cookie?)

Today is a good day to run away and join the circus, but if that's not your thing then I would, I dunno, be nice to others so they will be nice to you. There you go.

Commit to that goal you've been meaning to make. You'll die if you don't.

Today, you are the most awesome person in the world. Way to go!

Leave a good tip. These people work hard to give you good Chinese.

Some people are born with greatness. Others have greatness thrust upon them. Others get advice from cookies.


Do you have any sweet ideas?


Thursday, March 8, 2012

Child's Play


I would like to wish my entire readership a happy International Woman's Day (I am under the impression that pretty much all of my readers are attractive single women). I must confess that I wasn't aware today was Woman's Day until late last night. It confused me. Why did we still have school? I mean, we didn't have school on President's Day. I mean, presidents are great, but a day celebrating over 50% of the planet? And we have to go to school? That, to me, is bush league. Grade A baloney. Women are awesome, and I didn't feel I had time today to celebrate them correctly today.

I thought today, for all the ladies out there, I would talk about my childhood. I was a pretty adorable child.
Eh? Eh?
Anyway, when I was a kid I thought the reason Sunday was called Sunday was because it NEVER rained that day. I seriously thought that the Sun had to come out every Sunday. It took forever too, for it to finally rain on a Sunday. I was so mad. I was mad at the universe. It lied to me.

I also used to take that "don't step on a sidewalk crack" thing really seriously. Who was the sick individual who came up with that rhyme? I mean threatening my family? and for what? so that little children could walk around like idiots? Don't step on a sidewalk crack or your mom'll fall and break her back. And it would've been all my fault. Imagine if it would have happened on Woman's day! Sick.