Saturday, December 31, 2011

Peace out 2011!

2012 is rapidly approaching and I feel like I should throw out one more blog post before it gets here.

Every New Years I make resolutions about things I'd like to accomplish during the year, but then after about a week and a half I am less than resolute in keeping them. I can't even remember the ones I made last year, so I can't really measure whether or not I was even successful. This year I have one resolution: Be awesome. This resolution applies to all aspects of my life. This blog needs to be awesome this year. My grades need to be awesome. I'm gonna be an awesome friend. I'm gonna do awesome things. 2012 is gonna be an awesome year. You all are gonna keep me honest and remind me to be awesome, because you all are awesome. Got it? Awesome.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Shove it.

If you ask people who know me what my least favorite activity is, they are likely to say manually flushing toilets or wrestling panthers or something stupid like that, because those are the kind of people who "get" me. But in all seriousness it may very well be packing my suitcase. I hate packing on a level that few people, places, things, or ideas have ever reached. The process is exhausting for me. Gathering all my stuff, going through it all and picking out the stuff I don't need to take, shoving it all into my suitcase, realizing later I did need that thing I left behind, inevitably forgetting something really important; you know the drill. Logically I should love packing. I love going places, I love my stuff, and I love Tetris. Packing is like a combination of those three things. But I hate it.
Maybe if I packed to repetitive music...

I am now almost finished packing to go back to school. This is happening folks. It never is real to me until my bags are packed and my room barren. Now it is starting to sink in. I didn't expect to be this sad to go. I have had a LOT of good times with my family and friends here. It was confirmed to me today that I have the best friends in history (Benny and the Jets), and I've always known I have the best family in history. I'm gonna miss them something awful. I wish I could pack up my entire life and take it with me to Idaho, but I only have the one suitcase.
And sadly, it isn't Mary Poppins's suitcase.

That being said, I am also super excited to get out to school to see my other amazing and wonderful friends and family. I have been waiting for this moment for about 3 and a half months now. I can't wait for my road trip. School is going to be a blast, what with all the learning and bettering of myself through higher education. Oh, and the 80% of the time that I won't be doing that will be even better! Hahaha, I'm just kidding Mom and Dad (or am I?). Prepare blog. Prepare for the awesome times.

Oh, and the contest is still on. You can still like this blog on Facebook too. If you wanna. I won't force you.

Monday, December 26, 2011


As most of you already know, it is no longer Christmas. My blog layout is therefore inappropriate. Therefore I went through all the trouble of making a Facebook page for my blog (because I know you all want to have a place to rave and talk about all the awesome stuff that happens here) and made a few layout options for you to vote on. Just go to the correct album and vote for one of the three pictures I posted there and I will put it up here on my blog for you to admire whilst you read my fascinating insights on life and the world we live in. Good luck.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Petit Papa Noel

Joyeux Noel a tous mes amis qui peut lire le francais! J'ai finalement ecrit quelquechose uniquement pour vous! J'espere que c'est amusant.

Il y a quelques mois j'ai appris que je vais devenir oncle. Je suis tres heureux. J'ai prepare bien pour ce moment de ma vie. J'ai deja beaucoup de chansons Disney sur ma portable, et maintenant je peut les jouer dans ma voiture sans avoir l'air d'etre fou. Un petit confession, je n'ai pas trouver ces chansons pour le nouveau petit, mais pour moi. Je suis un grand enfant. Mais, c'est cool, parce que avec une niece ou un neveu, je peux acheter les jouets et les filmes enfantin, et etre immature et avoir une excuse pour le faire! J'ai hate pour l'enseigner (forcer) d'aimer Batman et tous les filmes que j'aimais en tant qu'enfant.

Mes amis, je vous aimes tres fort. Je ne peut pas exprimer comment vous me manquez. Les Antilles me manquent tellement, surtout pendant l'hiver. C'est trop froid! Je ne peut pas le supporter! Je vous souhaite tous les meilleurs benedictions pendant ce saison, et j'espere que vous sachez comment je vous aime. Je suis desolee que ce poste n'est pas plus long, mais je suis fatigue et demain est Noel. Feliz Navidad mes amis! Merry Christmas.

Friday, December 23, 2011

Slight Christmas

Today is December 23rd. It’s weird to think that Christmas Eve is just one day away. Perhaps the thing that makes this even weirder this year is the absence of snow. When I was a kid I expected Christmases to have snow. I actually thought that it was part of the Christmas magic that it was always there. Listening to the song “White Christmas” just cemented in my brain that white was the way it had to be with the last line “And may all your Christmases be white.” With that line, in my small mind, Bing Crosby promised me that I was always going to have a white Christmas. Then one year Christmas came and there was no snow. I felt so ripped off. It didn’t feel like Christmas should. I mean, yeah it was still terribly, terribly cold, but with none of the powdery white stuff (snow, not cocaine. Let’s be mature here guys). Bing had lied to me. Now, irreversibly, all of my Christmases were not white. My life was a failure. I still had a fun enough time and it was still all in all quite Christmasy, but I felt cheated. Of course, that was not my last un-white Christmas. Serving my mission in the West Indies added a second tally to my wall of shame. To be fair though, it was a balmy 80 degrees on Christmas and I didn’t complain. This now will be my 3rd Christmas without snow. Of course, there will be plenty of it waiting for me up in Idaho, I’m sure.

Christmas songs really had a big effect on me when I was a kid (If you couldn’t tell. It is all I have talked about this month). The “Christmas Song” (Chestnuts Roasting) was another one that really made me angry. Particularly the last part where it says “And so I’m offering this simple phrase, to kids from one to ninety-two, although it’s been said many times, many ways, merry Christmas to you.” The cause of my outrage was that I had a great-grandfather who was 97 when he passed away. Throughout my childhood I was forced to wonder what it was about the extremely elderly that made them not deserving of warm holiday wishes. I am older now and understand that when that song was written, they might as well have said “kids from one to a gazillion and two.” The idea of someone living that long was utterly ridiculous. But this is the 21st century, people. We are consistently living past 92, and I think those lyrics could use an update.

Of course, with the war on Christmas blazing on, it’s amazing that anything gets accomplished. If you couldn’t tell, that was sarcasm. I think that the whole “War on Christmas” is a load of baloney. People keep freaking out about “Happy Holidays” as though it were code for “You know what? Screw Christmas!” There always have and always will be religious holidays around the solstice, and we need to be accepting of others beliefs. That is what Christmas is all about anyway. People are always complaining that Christmas is too commercial and that “we” are losing sight of the true meaning of the holiday. Who is we? Don’t drag me into this. Please. I know why I celebrate, and why I buy presents. I buy them to express my love to my family and friends, and I celebrate Christmas because of the life and love of Jesus Christ. How you celebrate Christmas is a personal thing. So instead of complaining to me about how commercial it is while standing in a line at the mall, maybe you should do some charity or something. And that’s all I have to say about that.

Merry Christmas dear readership. I love you all very much and wish you all of the happiness and blessings that you have wished for others this season. May your days be merry and bright, and may all your Christmases be… Nice?

Monday, December 12, 2011

Day 12

You all knew it was coming.

You have to watch the video I posted. Even if you know the song, watch this video, please. It is HILARIOUS. Before we start, I have a simple request. Please, do not tell me about the book or the movie and how good they are. I don’t care about that. This list is about songs, and that is what I am judging here. I don’t want to hear about the whole “Christmas Shoes universe” and how they have tried to redeem this terrible, terrible song. Thank you.

Now, SO many people love this song. They are always so touched by it. I cannot for the life of me see why. It is terrible that this little kids mom is dying, and it is sweet that the boy wants to do something nice for her before she goes, but this song is just loaded with selfishness, irresponsibility and all around jerk-headedness. The song starts and this guy has a bad attitude at Christmastime. Boohoo. So he is standing there, and he sees this kid trying to buy shoes. He paints him out to be all dirty and poor, as if his story isn’t pitiful enough. He is buying shoes for his mother, who is dying. Now, this kid has a father, but he is nowhere to be seen. Where is his adult supervision? This kid is just running around town BY HIMSELF. Now this kid, who really should be at the hospital, is buying shoes with a jar of pennies, even though there is a good chance his mom might die AT ANY SECOND. “Daddy says there’s not much time.” He tells the cashier. After counting pennies “for what seemed like hours” it is discovered that he is short (According to the video, about 30 dollars short. Why were they counting pennies?). The cashier, who is apparently the most heartless person in the universe, tells the boy he doesn’t have enough. The kid turns around and practically begs this man to help, telling him that the dying woman is practically a saint.

Then comes the climax of the song. “AND SO I LAID THE MONEY DOWN! I JUST HAD TO HELP HIM OUT! I’LL NEVER FORGET THE LOOK ON HIS FACE AS HE SAID ‘MOMMA’S GONNA LOOK SO GREAT!’” This man is so proud of himself for paying the difference so a kid could buy his dying mom a pair of shoes. Good job buddy! People without souls would have done that! I bet Hitler would have done that! No scratch that, Hitler probably would have paid the difference, then made sure that the kid made it back to the hospital safely and quickly (especially considering the kid’s blonde hair and blue eyes in the video). This guy just lets the kid run off into the night. This guy is WORSE THAN HITLER. But he is still proud of himself. Then the kicker. “I knew that God had sent that little boy to teach me what Christmas is all about.” Nice. God separated that little boy from his dying mother during her last few moments of life to make sure you didn’t have a crappy attitude on Christmas. What an uplifting song.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Day 11

I’m gonna start today off with a joke that a friend of mine told me a while back to set the tone for this next song. What did the little orphan get for Christmas? Cancer. Now that you are extremely uncomfortable, I want you to take that joke, and write a song about it, except the song can’t be a joke. It has to be completely serious. If you managed to do that, congratulations, you have written the second most depressing Christmas song of all time, because nothing, absolutely nothing, can top this:

What is this? Why? Apparently this song is for the parents who subscribe to the “You’re lucky you got anything at all!” approach to Christmas. I still vividly remember the first time I heard this song on the radio. I kept waiting for the uplifting message about giving. I got really hopeful when the speaking part in the middle came up. I was waiting for the “Even though Santa forgot this little boy, doesn’t mean we should. We should use the opportunity that the Christmas Season gives us to reach out and help all those less fortunate in the spirit of giving.” It never came. The best I can figure is this song just wants you to feel bad about ever being happy.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Day 10

Ah, the War on Christmas. Of course it has its place here.

Now, I consider myself a decent Christian. I am also a Christmas nut. I love this season. It is my favorite time of year despite the deathly cold. I just really, really don’t buy into this “War on Christmas.” Everywhere I go I hear people flipping out about how Jesus is disappearing from their Christmas. “WHERE IS HE!? WHERE IS JESUS!? IT IS CHRISTMASTIME! WHERE DID HE GO!?” I think maybe the problem isn’t that he is disappearing. I think that perhaps the problem is you are looking for him at the mall. Jesus isn’t at the mall guys. He never was. It isn’t his scene. I think that if you feel like Jesus is missing from your Christmas celebration, that says more about you than it does about everybody else. I never feel like he’s missing. He is always front and center in my Christmas. I know he is because I put him there. A line to see a guy dressed up like Jesus at the mall is a terrible idea. Am I the only one who sees the mixed messages that is bound to give children?

Friday, December 9, 2011

Day 9

Out of all the songs in the world to be “the” song everyone listens to at Christmas time, would someone please explain to me why this one was chosen:

First of all, let’s get this out of the way, the title isn’t even grammatically correct. It should be “Jingle, Bells!” The whole song is solely devoted to riding around in a sleigh with bells on it. Practically nobody does that anymore. They need to add another verse to the song to say “I’ve got these sleigh bells all over my house because it is the 21st century and we don’t drive sleighs anymore, but because of this song I have to have something to jingle at all times. It’s a Christmas tradition.” I bet we could trace the commercialization of Christmas straight back to this song. It has nothing to do with Christmas, and not once is Christmas mentioned in the song, or anything Christmas-y for that matter, but we love it so! Now I admit that I might be a little biased considering Nathan has been listening to this song since April, but then again that is precisely my point. Take away the Christmas magic and you realize it is a terribly annoying song. I think that just goes to show that this song is a parasite, latched on to Christmas to maintain its unnaturally long life.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Day 8

This next song is another classic and I'm sure I would get a lot of crap for mentioning it if anyone actually read this:

So, this little boy goes to see Jesus and that is awesome. I approve of that story line. But why is he constantly making drum noises with his mouth after every phrase he speaks? I understand he likes to play the drum, but that kind of tick gets irritating. My brother plays the tuba, but he rarely makes tuba noises. I would punch him if he did. Out of love.

-Hey Zak! Bom Bom Bom Bom
Why are you doing that?
-I play the tuba! Bom Bom Bom
Stop. Stop now.
-Why? Bom Bom Bom Bom Bom Bom
If you have to ask, you are too far gone.

Then, when he gets to the stable, he asks Mary if he can play his drum. That is very sweet. But then the song says "The ox and lamb kept time." I thought that the drum's job was just that. To keep the beat. This kid is THE drummer boy! And since when do random animals know how to hold a beat? This is where I started to get suspicious about the whole song. I don't think this drummer boy was even real! Why would they lie about that!?

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Day 7

This next song wasn't on the original list. My parents introduced it to me:

I wasn't going to add it to the list after the initial hearing, but fate, it seems, wanted this one on the list. The next day I heard it twice, and I couldn't escape how ridiculous this song really was. And is. First, the incredibly obvious. I know that it is a terrible stereotype that all Irishmen are drunks, but this guy is not helping to convince anyone of that fact. I actually strained to try and understand the words he sings, but, except for a few words here and there, he is totally incomprehensible. And his voice keeps cracking. Intentionally. Is he yodeling? Why? Now I will turn to the one phrase I actually understand (Possibly because it is also the title of the song) "Then a snowflake fell and it felt like a kiss, now I'm ok!" What? This is wrong on so many levels. If the person you are kissing is alive, their lips are generally warm. You know, because of the blood circulation and such. Snow is the opposite of that. It is ICE COLD. But in his mind, he imagines it as a kiss, and suddenly he breaks from his depression! He's ok! If that is all it takes to break your depression, you are not depressed. You are the opposite.

"Aww, look a graveyard. That's sad. I'm sad. But wait! This snow is delightful! What a great day!"

What a silly song.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Day 6

Now this is not a terrible song. It is on the list because it is not a Christmas song at all.

This one might be Oprah’s fault. She always had that “Favorite Things” special at Christmas. Other than that I don’t understand how this happened. I guess someone was watching “The Sound of Music” and heard the word “Snowflakes.” That’s the best I can come up with. I guess it talks about winter and packages and says sleigh bells too. There must be a rule that if a song mentions more than 3 “seasonal” words, it is automatically added to the Christmas canon. If you watch really closely in the movie, you might be able to notice that the song is sung during a rainstorm in the middle of summer. These are the facts guys, I don’t make them up. In fact the Von Trap family spends most of their Christmas season running and hiding from Nazis. Definitely not one of their favorite things.

Monday, December 5, 2011

Day 5

So you know how Santa has that one Donkey exclusively to deliver toys in Italy? No?

CHINGITY CHING! According to the song, Santa keeps Dominick around because his reindeer can’t handle the hills in Italy. Santa’s FLYING reindeer. The reindeer that FLY over housetops, mountains, oceans, and EVERYTHING apparently lose their crap once they see the hills in Italy, so Santa has to drag out this donkey like a spare tire. This Donkey speaks Italian and dances with the kids, because apparently Santa abandons his whole secrecy kick once in Italy, busts out his donkey, and parties in the streets. Good thing he doesn’t kick, right?

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Day 4

Who here likes extremely spoiled and demanding people? Anyone? What if they talked in a whiney, pouty voice? No? Well then I can think of no good reason for this song to exist.

“It’s a joke!” cry all the people that always disagree with me in my head. It’s a joke in the way that that one kid at school scraping his nails across the chalkboard at school is a joke. “It’s really funny though! She asks for really expensive things like a yacht, a car, a platinum mine! HAHAHA!” I remember when I was six I thought that the absolutely most ludicrous and out there option was always the funniest. It wasn’t. This song sounds like a whole bunch of six year old me’s arguing over who asked for the best thing for Christmas. They aren’t that clever, and they make the singer of the song sound even more spoiled, stupid, and deserving of our ire and passionate hatred. The singer's reasoning for all this stuff is how good she has been all year, but unless she saved the world from an enormous flaming meteor hurtling towards Earth by shooting all the cancer in the world at it, obliterating both in an explosion so beautiful that everyone who saw it lost the desire to fight or be greedy, bringing about world peace, she is asking for too much.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Day 3

In spite of the fact this is a terrible Christmas song, I still really like it. It is catchy. It is not however, appropriate.

This song is about some guy trying to bed a girl using the weather as an excuse. It is obvious that he doesn’t really care about her safety or health, he just wants her to stay the night. That is the opposite of the Christmas spirit. At one point the woman asks “Say, what’s in this drink?” implying that the man has resorted to, best case scenario, spiking her drink with alcohol, and worst case scenario date rape drugs to get her to stay with him. That sends up all kinds of warning flags. She should not only leave, but she should run. But you know, it’s a cute song. As cute as a song about sexual harassment can get, I guess.

(Louis Jordan and Ella Fitzgerald's voices may cancel this song off the list)

Friday, December 2, 2011

Day 2

Today’s song may cause some confusion, seeing as it is a classic. It is the “Wassail Song.”

This song is just past its prime. It is no longer relevant to anybody today. Who can tell me what it means to wassail without looking it up in the dictionary? No? Didn’t think so. The dictionary definition is “to revel with drinking.” This is a song about people putting on nice clothes and walking around getting drunk while singing about how nice they look. It makes sense now, though, that they keep talking about “the leaves so green” in the middle of the winter, and it explains the verse where they have to point out that they aren't panhandling hobos. Newer versions change (censor?) “wassailing” to “caroling,” but that doesn’t change the fact that all they are doing is wandering around calling the attention of anyone in their proximity to how they are “so fair to be seen” before wishing people a Merry Christmas. “Hey, you! Don’t I look good today? Oh yeah, and, uh, Merry Christmas I guess…”

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Day 1

There are many things that I love about Christmas. The lights, the love, the songs. But for every classy, nice thing about Christmas, there are hundreds of gaudy and tacky things. On the one hand, you have beautiful lights; on the other you have giant, inflatable, glowing snowmen and Santas. For every timeless and wonderful Christmas Carol, we have one of these:

Now I’m gonna start with a song that pretty much everybody universally hates. We all know that guy who is just too much. You first meet him and think he is a blast. He might be a bit crazy, but he’s fun! A party all the time. But soon, very soon, you grow weary of his constant boloney. This song is that guy.

Now, I’ll admit, just like most people, the first time I heard this song, I thought it was hilarious. I mean, at the time it was original and clever. The problem is, number one, that it has been played so far into the ground, it is in China. But so what? Lots of Christmas songs are overplayed. None are hated as much as this song. The second strike of this song is that it is supposed to be humorous. Things that are funny have a tendency to become less funny with time, and joke songs are then left to stand only on their musical merits. Very few make that cut. Strike three, and perhaps the most heinous of all, is that it is a country song. The twanginess of the singers voice is almost unbearable. It seems that he exaggerated it for this song, as if we didn’t understand it was a joke to begin with. All these things add up, and after the 5th time hearing it on the radio, almost everyone was ready to take their stereo behind the house and put it out of its misery. With a shotgun. It's what grandma would have wanted.