Tuesday, November 29, 2011


So I have been writing all night in preparation for "12 Days of Terrible Christmas Songs." So forgive me if I am a little written out. I mostly just wanted to point out that I have a new layout and I am ready for Christmas! If you think it sucks, that's ok. I didn't work too hard on it. Maybe 10 minutes. I love Christmas and I am excited for this year. The terrible songs start on the first of December and will be updated daily. Have a good one.

Also, if you are wondering what you can get me for Christmas without spending or effort, a little feedback would be nice. Even if you just like the link on Facebook. I just would like to see who is reading so I can write to my audience.

But if you did wanna spend a little money...

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Giving Thanks.

My dear American readers, Happy Thanksgiving. To my non-American readers, happy Thursday. Today is a day where I get to list for you all the reasons my life is awesome. And it is awesome. Incredibly awesome. There is no way I could have done anything good enough to deserve the life I have, so you are gonna have to get ready for some thanksgiving. There is going to be a lot. And it is going to be SAPPY.

First I have to mention my family. I love my family so much. Today at dinner we had 21 people at our house. That is because my parents invited pretty much everyone at Church to come. How incredible are they? Their example is a little intimidating for me. My brothers and sister are my best friends. They are always there for me, and they are just tons of fun to be around. My mom also makes the best pies in the world, but more on that later. I have also been blessed to be in the same family as Nathan. I really can't begin to describe what that means to me. How much it has shaped who I am. How lucky I am to be in a family that sees his eternal potential and helps me to see it too. How much joy his smile brings into my life. My family is also HILARIOUS. Those who know me know that laughter is very important to me, and I get that from my family. All of my happiness is somehow connected to these people, and I love them to death.

As if my family didn't give me enough love, I also happen to have the best friends that a guy could possibly ask for. They bend over backwards for me. They help me when I need it. I always have someone to talk to. When I get together with my friends we don't stop laughing. They are all geniuses in their own right. I don't know how I have found so many people that are willing to put up with my quirks. Wherever I go I find these people. They are extraordinary human beings, every one, and I love them. Thank you all. I am so lucky.

I am grateful for my mission and everything I learned there. It has been over 2 years now, but there has not been a day that has gone by that I haven't thought about that place, and missed it like crazy. This gospel is everything. I know that it is because God loves me that my life is so great, and it is because of Jesus Christ that I don't have to suffer for all of the stupid stuff I have done over the years.

One thing today especially I am grateful for is my Mom's pies. I wish I could give the entire world a slice of Mom's pie, because I swear their goodness would stop all the hatred and violence and evil. If they condensed joy into a solid form and sliced it up, it would taste exactly like these pies. I'm serious. They are that good. I ate way too much of them, and I still want more.

How awesome is my life? I haven't even mentioned the great school and quality education I get, my running vehicle, my job, my entertainment, my country, my health, I could go on forever. I also took a fantastic turkey nap this afternoon. I really have no room in my life to complain.

Each and every one of you fall into one of the first 2 categories, and as such are deserving of the highest praise. I love you. Thank you. You are an incredible human being, and if anyone tells you different, point them my way and I will be happy to prove them wrong for you. Have the happiest of holidays, you deserve it. Thank you.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Send Link

Today I got the new Zelda game. The full name is "The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword." For those who may be unfamiliar with this series, there are many, many games and they are all called "The Legend of Zelda." The basic story line of each is that the princess, Zelda, is kidnapped and the hero, Link, rescues her and saves the world in the process. The story revolves around Link and his adventures going to rescue the princess (but I'm probably wasting my breath....I mean, finger muscle energy? because all my readers are so hip and in the now). I never understood why all the games are called "The Legend of Zelda". I mean, Link totally busts his butt all the time saving the world AND Zelda, yet it is Zelda that gets the legendary status. I guess she has to be pretty awesome for Link to save her as often as he does. I mean, I think after the 4th or 5th time I would just say "No. You are gonna have to stay kidnapped for a while. I am EXHAUSTED. If I rescue you now you will never learn. Install an alarm system." You'd think as well that Ganondorf would have learned that he shouldn't mess with Zelda, since she has the most gung-ho boyfriend of all time.

Now, I love the Zelda games. They are among my favorites ever. There is one thing that they do, however, that drives me nuts. At the beginning of every game, they have to teach you the controls. I understand that. I need it. The thing that irks me about Zelda games is that they have characters in the game teach you the actual controls. It really rips me out of the story when a character tells me, " You know how to run don't you? You push the 'A' button." What? These characters are talking to Link. They aren't talking to me, sitting on my couch with the remote and buttons. They are talking to the character in the game. Now, today I looked really closely, and I confirmed that Link was not carrying a remote. What then, does he think when people tell him that hitting the + button opens his pouch?

"You don't know how to jump? It's easy! Just tap the 'X' button!"

"Number one, buddy, I am a teenager. I think I know how to jump. I have been jumping for a long time. I appreciate you trying to help me out, but you might wanna learn how to actually jump before you disperse your knowledge. I'm no scientist, but I believe that it involves the muscles in my legs contracting and being released. What is the 'X' button? Where is it? Hiding next to your stash of mind altering drugs? I think you're on drugs."

(The game is fantastic, thanks for asking.)

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Cold Turkey

Sunday night is the worst. The anticipation of Monday morning is enough to make me want to cry. The weekend is such a wonderful time for me, and jumping back into the grind is just about as enjoyable as jumping into an enormous grinder. Maybe that is why the call it the grind. As I sit here and type, my parents are in the room watching a Hallmark Channel Original Christmas Movie. I am pretty sure that these movies are all based on Hallmark Christmas cards, and written by the same people. I have never seen hokier movies in my life. The "stars" they get to be in these movies are the ones that even Lifetime thought were too "has been" to be in their movies. Some of them are really kind of funny, if you watch them in the right mood and with the right people.

I am really starting to get irritated by all the people who are freaking out about Christmas Decorations "BEFORE THANKSGIVING!" Thanksgiving is a great holiday, don't get me wrong, but how much is Christmas taking away from Thanksgiving really? Is the Christmas tree at the mall in the way of the Thanksgiving tree you were gonna put up? Are you not getting the chance to sing all those Thanksgiving Carols that you love so much?

Sometimes I do get irritated at the earliness of all the Christmasness, but I really don't understand the "OMG WHAT HAPPENED TO THANKSGIVING GUIZE!?" mentality. It is still there. I still eat so much that I am in a food induced coma for the rest of the day. I still freak out over the pies that my mom always makes (which are the best in the world), and I still am thankful for my life. Thanksgiving doesn't want to be more than that.

I am really excited for the Christmas season though, because there are so many terrible, terrible Christmas Songs to make fun of. I might write up a 12 days of terrible Christmas music extravaganza for my blog. We'll see.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Mama Mia!

Now, I'm not going to come right out and say that my mom is Superwoman, but I am going to imply it very strongly. Tomorrow our stake Temple Consecration day, and being the Stake Relief Society President, the Stake President asked her to prepare lunch for 300 people. She did. If my mother had been the Relief Society President in Sparta, the Spartan army wouldn't have had to dine in hell, because they all would have had their own sack lunch.

I view this as only slightly less miraculous than the loaves and fishes miracle. If you couldn't tell, I am kind of impressed with and proud of my mom right now. I lied before. I'm gonna say it. My mom is Superwoman.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Best Wishes!

Today on the radio I heard that one song that everybody likes about pretending airplanes were shooting stars just so that they could have a wish. The exact lyrics are, if memory serves "Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars? I could really use a wish right now." Funny story. I know that this is a pretty crazy concept for "believers" but all shooting stars are are pieces of space debris burning up in the Earth's atmosphere. Now I'll be the first to admit that a shooting star is an incredible thing to experience, and I admit that I have wished on my fair share, but really they are just hunks of flaming rock. Maybe I'm doing it wrong, but every time I wished on a shooting star, my wish was not instantly granted. And if it eventually was, it had a lot to do with my actions. My point being here, is the singer is so desperate for a wish, but I don't understand why, because you can have as many wishes as you want all the time. A moment like one where you see a shooting star just gives you a little time to think about what you truly desire. I get the impression that they know what they are gonna wish for. The wish is already there. Why, then does she need to wish on an airplane? Is she expecting that if she gets the go ahead from the "wish guy" or whoever the heck she is singing to and wishes on an airplane that her wish will instantly be granted? Why does she have to pretend airplanes are shooting stars? Why is she justifying her choice of what to wish on? Wish on whatever you want! There is no "wish guy". Shooting stars aren't magic. 11:11 isn't fairy godparent time. Birthday candles aren't genies.

You know what? Forget the whole wish thing altogether. Prayer is where it's at. That actually gets you somewhere.

(Sidenote: Five leaf clovers are the real deal though. I found one once, made a wish on it and it was almost immediately granted. Sadly you can't pretend airplanes are five leaf clovers, BoB or whoever is asking.)

Happy 11/11/11!

Saturday, November 5, 2011

That's Cold

It is that time of the year again, when the temperature outside takes a nosedive and everything starts to die. As the temperature drops, inevitably someone (me) will complain about the cold, and just as inevitably someone will say "I would rather be cold than hot." I cannot comprehend this way of thinking. These people, without fail, only have one reason why this is the case. "You can always put more clothes on, but you can only take so much off." I am a big fan of heat. I would much rather be hot than cold. You may say "That's because you went to the Caribbean on your mission and are acclimatized." To that I say "Umm hello, individual? I have been home for 2 years and spent both winters in the frigid and barren tundra known as Rexburg, Idaho." I have way more reasons that warm weather is way better than cold. I will narrow it down to 10 though. Now I realize that in both extremes, the end result of prolonged exposure is death. I do not wish to enter into that.

1. My first reason is to prove the above reason flawed and basically the stupidest thing ever. First of all, putting on all those layers of clothes is hard work, and takes a ridiculous amount of time. Then, once you arrive where you need to be, you once again have to invest an enormous amount of energy and time taking it off. I also have never found a way to keep my hands and face warm. It is usually the case that while my torso is EXTREMELY warm, my hands and face feel like they are about to drop off my body at any minute. Also there is the problem with the perpetual hat hair I have in the winter. When it is hot you put on shorts and a t shirt and you are ready to go. You can also swim or have a water balloon fight which is way fun and also relieving.

2. I have never once gone outside, no matter how hot and humid it was, and immediately thought that my life might be in danger. My body did not start to convulse on it own. I have never felt the need to sprint to my car to escape the heat. This is the case EVERY TIME it is cold.

3. So I sprint to the car to huddle for warmth, only to realize I am going to have to spend the better part of 15 minutes scraping of the thick layer of ICE that has adhered to my windshield, mirrors, and windows.

4. When it is hot, stepping into an air conditioned structure brings nearly immediate relief. When you go out into the cold, and you come back into your warm house, It doesn’t matter. You will still be freezing cold for another 10 minutes at least. YOU HAVE TO THAW. If your extremities are cold (which they ALWAYS will be) You will never get them warm.

5. It has to be INCREDIBLY hot for heat to be hazardous to driving conditions

6. When you are hot getting wet is beneficial. When you are cold getting wet is potentially deadly. It seems to happen more too.

7. FROSTBITE? Way worse than a sunburn. Potential limb loss.

8. Heat is uncomfortable, Cold is painful.

9. Your car will get stolen while you are heating it up.


Now, I don't want to be a complete humbug. I do love playing in the snow. But playing in the snow gets old pretty quickly. After a while all the snow turns into chunks of ice and brown slush. I guess you could also argue that because cold weather is so incredibly miserable, drinking hot chocolate in front of a fireplace is one of the best feelings ever. I won't argue with that, but in my experience, all of the nice things about winter happen in the first month or two. By February, no one is sledding. No one is out building snowmen. They are at home wishing and praying that it will all go away. The cold is lame.

One of these guys is that friend who is fun almost all of the time and the other is that guy you hang out with once or twice who seems fun but turns out to be kind of a jerk.