Saturday, December 31, 2011

Peace out 2011!

2012 is rapidly approaching and I feel like I should throw out one more blog post before it gets here.

Every New Years I make resolutions about things I'd like to accomplish during the year, but then after about a week and a half I am less than resolute in keeping them. I can't even remember the ones I made last year, so I can't really measure whether or not I was even successful. This year I have one resolution: Be awesome. This resolution applies to all aspects of my life. This blog needs to be awesome this year. My grades need to be awesome. I'm gonna be an awesome friend. I'm gonna do awesome things. 2012 is gonna be an awesome year. You all are gonna keep me honest and remind me to be awesome, because you all are awesome. Got it? Awesome.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Shove it.

If you ask people who know me what my least favorite activity is, they are likely to say manually flushing toilets or wrestling panthers or something stupid like that, because those are the kind of people who "get" me. But in all seriousness it may very well be packing my suitcase. I hate packing on a level that few people, places, things, or ideas have ever reached. The process is exhausting for me. Gathering all my stuff, going through it all and picking out the stuff I don't need to take, shoving it all into my suitcase, realizing later I did need that thing I left behind, inevitably forgetting something really important; you know the drill. Logically I should love packing. I love going places, I love my stuff, and I love Tetris. Packing is like a combination of those three things. But I hate it.
Maybe if I packed to repetitive music...

I am now almost finished packing to go back to school. This is happening folks. It never is real to me until my bags are packed and my room barren. Now it is starting to sink in. I didn't expect to be this sad to go. I have had a LOT of good times with my family and friends here. It was confirmed to me today that I have the best friends in history (Benny and the Jets), and I've always known I have the best family in history. I'm gonna miss them something awful. I wish I could pack up my entire life and take it with me to Idaho, but I only have the one suitcase.
And sadly, it isn't Mary Poppins's suitcase.

That being said, I am also super excited to get out to school to see my other amazing and wonderful friends and family. I have been waiting for this moment for about 3 and a half months now. I can't wait for my road trip. School is going to be a blast, what with all the learning and bettering of myself through higher education. Oh, and the 80% of the time that I won't be doing that will be even better! Hahaha, I'm just kidding Mom and Dad (or am I?). Prepare blog. Prepare for the awesome times.

Oh, and the contest is still on. You can still like this blog on Facebook too. If you wanna. I won't force you.

Monday, December 26, 2011


As most of you already know, it is no longer Christmas. My blog layout is therefore inappropriate. Therefore I went through all the trouble of making a Facebook page for my blog (because I know you all want to have a place to rave and talk about all the awesome stuff that happens here) and made a few layout options for you to vote on. Just go to the correct album and vote for one of the three pictures I posted there and I will put it up here on my blog for you to admire whilst you read my fascinating insights on life and the world we live in. Good luck.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Petit Papa Noel

Joyeux Noel a tous mes amis qui peut lire le francais! J'ai finalement ecrit quelquechose uniquement pour vous! J'espere que c'est amusant.

Il y a quelques mois j'ai appris que je vais devenir oncle. Je suis tres heureux. J'ai prepare bien pour ce moment de ma vie. J'ai deja beaucoup de chansons Disney sur ma portable, et maintenant je peut les jouer dans ma voiture sans avoir l'air d'etre fou. Un petit confession, je n'ai pas trouver ces chansons pour le nouveau petit, mais pour moi. Je suis un grand enfant. Mais, c'est cool, parce que avec une niece ou un neveu, je peux acheter les jouets et les filmes enfantin, et etre immature et avoir une excuse pour le faire! J'ai hate pour l'enseigner (forcer) d'aimer Batman et tous les filmes que j'aimais en tant qu'enfant.

Mes amis, je vous aimes tres fort. Je ne peut pas exprimer comment vous me manquez. Les Antilles me manquent tellement, surtout pendant l'hiver. C'est trop froid! Je ne peut pas le supporter! Je vous souhaite tous les meilleurs benedictions pendant ce saison, et j'espere que vous sachez comment je vous aime. Je suis desolee que ce poste n'est pas plus long, mais je suis fatigue et demain est Noel. Feliz Navidad mes amis! Merry Christmas.

Friday, December 23, 2011

Slight Christmas

Today is December 23rd. It’s weird to think that Christmas Eve is just one day away. Perhaps the thing that makes this even weirder this year is the absence of snow. When I was a kid I expected Christmases to have snow. I actually thought that it was part of the Christmas magic that it was always there. Listening to the song “White Christmas” just cemented in my brain that white was the way it had to be with the last line “And may all your Christmases be white.” With that line, in my small mind, Bing Crosby promised me that I was always going to have a white Christmas. Then one year Christmas came and there was no snow. I felt so ripped off. It didn’t feel like Christmas should. I mean, yeah it was still terribly, terribly cold, but with none of the powdery white stuff (snow, not cocaine. Let’s be mature here guys). Bing had lied to me. Now, irreversibly, all of my Christmases were not white. My life was a failure. I still had a fun enough time and it was still all in all quite Christmasy, but I felt cheated. Of course, that was not my last un-white Christmas. Serving my mission in the West Indies added a second tally to my wall of shame. To be fair though, it was a balmy 80 degrees on Christmas and I didn’t complain. This now will be my 3rd Christmas without snow. Of course, there will be plenty of it waiting for me up in Idaho, I’m sure.

Christmas songs really had a big effect on me when I was a kid (If you couldn’t tell. It is all I have talked about this month). The “Christmas Song” (Chestnuts Roasting) was another one that really made me angry. Particularly the last part where it says “And so I’m offering this simple phrase, to kids from one to ninety-two, although it’s been said many times, many ways, merry Christmas to you.” The cause of my outrage was that I had a great-grandfather who was 97 when he passed away. Throughout my childhood I was forced to wonder what it was about the extremely elderly that made them not deserving of warm holiday wishes. I am older now and understand that when that song was written, they might as well have said “kids from one to a gazillion and two.” The idea of someone living that long was utterly ridiculous. But this is the 21st century, people. We are consistently living past 92, and I think those lyrics could use an update.

Of course, with the war on Christmas blazing on, it’s amazing that anything gets accomplished. If you couldn’t tell, that was sarcasm. I think that the whole “War on Christmas” is a load of baloney. People keep freaking out about “Happy Holidays” as though it were code for “You know what? Screw Christmas!” There always have and always will be religious holidays around the solstice, and we need to be accepting of others beliefs. That is what Christmas is all about anyway. People are always complaining that Christmas is too commercial and that “we” are losing sight of the true meaning of the holiday. Who is we? Don’t drag me into this. Please. I know why I celebrate, and why I buy presents. I buy them to express my love to my family and friends, and I celebrate Christmas because of the life and love of Jesus Christ. How you celebrate Christmas is a personal thing. So instead of complaining to me about how commercial it is while standing in a line at the mall, maybe you should do some charity or something. And that’s all I have to say about that.

Merry Christmas dear readership. I love you all very much and wish you all of the happiness and blessings that you have wished for others this season. May your days be merry and bright, and may all your Christmases be… Nice?

Monday, December 12, 2011

Day 12

You all knew it was coming.

You have to watch the video I posted. Even if you know the song, watch this video, please. It is HILARIOUS. Before we start, I have a simple request. Please, do not tell me about the book or the movie and how good they are. I don’t care about that. This list is about songs, and that is what I am judging here. I don’t want to hear about the whole “Christmas Shoes universe” and how they have tried to redeem this terrible, terrible song. Thank you.

Now, SO many people love this song. They are always so touched by it. I cannot for the life of me see why. It is terrible that this little kids mom is dying, and it is sweet that the boy wants to do something nice for her before she goes, but this song is just loaded with selfishness, irresponsibility and all around jerk-headedness. The song starts and this guy has a bad attitude at Christmastime. Boohoo. So he is standing there, and he sees this kid trying to buy shoes. He paints him out to be all dirty and poor, as if his story isn’t pitiful enough. He is buying shoes for his mother, who is dying. Now, this kid has a father, but he is nowhere to be seen. Where is his adult supervision? This kid is just running around town BY HIMSELF. Now this kid, who really should be at the hospital, is buying shoes with a jar of pennies, even though there is a good chance his mom might die AT ANY SECOND. “Daddy says there’s not much time.” He tells the cashier. After counting pennies “for what seemed like hours” it is discovered that he is short (According to the video, about 30 dollars short. Why were they counting pennies?). The cashier, who is apparently the most heartless person in the universe, tells the boy he doesn’t have enough. The kid turns around and practically begs this man to help, telling him that the dying woman is practically a saint.

Then comes the climax of the song. “AND SO I LAID THE MONEY DOWN! I JUST HAD TO HELP HIM OUT! I’LL NEVER FORGET THE LOOK ON HIS FACE AS HE SAID ‘MOMMA’S GONNA LOOK SO GREAT!’” This man is so proud of himself for paying the difference so a kid could buy his dying mom a pair of shoes. Good job buddy! People without souls would have done that! I bet Hitler would have done that! No scratch that, Hitler probably would have paid the difference, then made sure that the kid made it back to the hospital safely and quickly (especially considering the kid’s blonde hair and blue eyes in the video). This guy just lets the kid run off into the night. This guy is WORSE THAN HITLER. But he is still proud of himself. Then the kicker. “I knew that God had sent that little boy to teach me what Christmas is all about.” Nice. God separated that little boy from his dying mother during her last few moments of life to make sure you didn’t have a crappy attitude on Christmas. What an uplifting song.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Day 11

I’m gonna start today off with a joke that a friend of mine told me a while back to set the tone for this next song. What did the little orphan get for Christmas? Cancer. Now that you are extremely uncomfortable, I want you to take that joke, and write a song about it, except the song can’t be a joke. It has to be completely serious. If you managed to do that, congratulations, you have written the second most depressing Christmas song of all time, because nothing, absolutely nothing, can top this:

What is this? Why? Apparently this song is for the parents who subscribe to the “You’re lucky you got anything at all!” approach to Christmas. I still vividly remember the first time I heard this song on the radio. I kept waiting for the uplifting message about giving. I got really hopeful when the speaking part in the middle came up. I was waiting for the “Even though Santa forgot this little boy, doesn’t mean we should. We should use the opportunity that the Christmas Season gives us to reach out and help all those less fortunate in the spirit of giving.” It never came. The best I can figure is this song just wants you to feel bad about ever being happy.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Day 10

Ah, the War on Christmas. Of course it has its place here.

Now, I consider myself a decent Christian. I am also a Christmas nut. I love this season. It is my favorite time of year despite the deathly cold. I just really, really don’t buy into this “War on Christmas.” Everywhere I go I hear people flipping out about how Jesus is disappearing from their Christmas. “WHERE IS HE!? WHERE IS JESUS!? IT IS CHRISTMASTIME! WHERE DID HE GO!?” I think maybe the problem isn’t that he is disappearing. I think that perhaps the problem is you are looking for him at the mall. Jesus isn’t at the mall guys. He never was. It isn’t his scene. I think that if you feel like Jesus is missing from your Christmas celebration, that says more about you than it does about everybody else. I never feel like he’s missing. He is always front and center in my Christmas. I know he is because I put him there. A line to see a guy dressed up like Jesus at the mall is a terrible idea. Am I the only one who sees the mixed messages that is bound to give children?

Friday, December 9, 2011

Day 9

Out of all the songs in the world to be “the” song everyone listens to at Christmas time, would someone please explain to me why this one was chosen:

First of all, let’s get this out of the way, the title isn’t even grammatically correct. It should be “Jingle, Bells!” The whole song is solely devoted to riding around in a sleigh with bells on it. Practically nobody does that anymore. They need to add another verse to the song to say “I’ve got these sleigh bells all over my house because it is the 21st century and we don’t drive sleighs anymore, but because of this song I have to have something to jingle at all times. It’s a Christmas tradition.” I bet we could trace the commercialization of Christmas straight back to this song. It has nothing to do with Christmas, and not once is Christmas mentioned in the song, or anything Christmas-y for that matter, but we love it so! Now I admit that I might be a little biased considering Nathan has been listening to this song since April, but then again that is precisely my point. Take away the Christmas magic and you realize it is a terribly annoying song. I think that just goes to show that this song is a parasite, latched on to Christmas to maintain its unnaturally long life.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Day 8

This next song is another classic and I'm sure I would get a lot of crap for mentioning it if anyone actually read this:

So, this little boy goes to see Jesus and that is awesome. I approve of that story line. But why is he constantly making drum noises with his mouth after every phrase he speaks? I understand he likes to play the drum, but that kind of tick gets irritating. My brother plays the tuba, but he rarely makes tuba noises. I would punch him if he did. Out of love.

-Hey Zak! Bom Bom Bom Bom
Why are you doing that?
-I play the tuba! Bom Bom Bom
Stop. Stop now.
-Why? Bom Bom Bom Bom Bom Bom
If you have to ask, you are too far gone.

Then, when he gets to the stable, he asks Mary if he can play his drum. That is very sweet. But then the song says "The ox and lamb kept time." I thought that the drum's job was just that. To keep the beat. This kid is THE drummer boy! And since when do random animals know how to hold a beat? This is where I started to get suspicious about the whole song. I don't think this drummer boy was even real! Why would they lie about that!?

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Day 7

This next song wasn't on the original list. My parents introduced it to me:

I wasn't going to add it to the list after the initial hearing, but fate, it seems, wanted this one on the list. The next day I heard it twice, and I couldn't escape how ridiculous this song really was. And is. First, the incredibly obvious. I know that it is a terrible stereotype that all Irishmen are drunks, but this guy is not helping to convince anyone of that fact. I actually strained to try and understand the words he sings, but, except for a few words here and there, he is totally incomprehensible. And his voice keeps cracking. Intentionally. Is he yodeling? Why? Now I will turn to the one phrase I actually understand (Possibly because it is also the title of the song) "Then a snowflake fell and it felt like a kiss, now I'm ok!" What? This is wrong on so many levels. If the person you are kissing is alive, their lips are generally warm. You know, because of the blood circulation and such. Snow is the opposite of that. It is ICE COLD. But in his mind, he imagines it as a kiss, and suddenly he breaks from his depression! He's ok! If that is all it takes to break your depression, you are not depressed. You are the opposite.

"Aww, look a graveyard. That's sad. I'm sad. But wait! This snow is delightful! What a great day!"

What a silly song.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Day 6

Now this is not a terrible song. It is on the list because it is not a Christmas song at all.

This one might be Oprah’s fault. She always had that “Favorite Things” special at Christmas. Other than that I don’t understand how this happened. I guess someone was watching “The Sound of Music” and heard the word “Snowflakes.” That’s the best I can come up with. I guess it talks about winter and packages and says sleigh bells too. There must be a rule that if a song mentions more than 3 “seasonal” words, it is automatically added to the Christmas canon. If you watch really closely in the movie, you might be able to notice that the song is sung during a rainstorm in the middle of summer. These are the facts guys, I don’t make them up. In fact the Von Trap family spends most of their Christmas season running and hiding from Nazis. Definitely not one of their favorite things.

Monday, December 5, 2011

Day 5

So you know how Santa has that one Donkey exclusively to deliver toys in Italy? No?

CHINGITY CHING! According to the song, Santa keeps Dominick around because his reindeer can’t handle the hills in Italy. Santa’s FLYING reindeer. The reindeer that FLY over housetops, mountains, oceans, and EVERYTHING apparently lose their crap once they see the hills in Italy, so Santa has to drag out this donkey like a spare tire. This Donkey speaks Italian and dances with the kids, because apparently Santa abandons his whole secrecy kick once in Italy, busts out his donkey, and parties in the streets. Good thing he doesn’t kick, right?

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Day 4

Who here likes extremely spoiled and demanding people? Anyone? What if they talked in a whiney, pouty voice? No? Well then I can think of no good reason for this song to exist.

“It’s a joke!” cry all the people that always disagree with me in my head. It’s a joke in the way that that one kid at school scraping his nails across the chalkboard at school is a joke. “It’s really funny though! She asks for really expensive things like a yacht, a car, a platinum mine! HAHAHA!” I remember when I was six I thought that the absolutely most ludicrous and out there option was always the funniest. It wasn’t. This song sounds like a whole bunch of six year old me’s arguing over who asked for the best thing for Christmas. They aren’t that clever, and they make the singer of the song sound even more spoiled, stupid, and deserving of our ire and passionate hatred. The singer's reasoning for all this stuff is how good she has been all year, but unless she saved the world from an enormous flaming meteor hurtling towards Earth by shooting all the cancer in the world at it, obliterating both in an explosion so beautiful that everyone who saw it lost the desire to fight or be greedy, bringing about world peace, she is asking for too much.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Day 3

In spite of the fact this is a terrible Christmas song, I still really like it. It is catchy. It is not however, appropriate.

This song is about some guy trying to bed a girl using the weather as an excuse. It is obvious that he doesn’t really care about her safety or health, he just wants her to stay the night. That is the opposite of the Christmas spirit. At one point the woman asks “Say, what’s in this drink?” implying that the man has resorted to, best case scenario, spiking her drink with alcohol, and worst case scenario date rape drugs to get her to stay with him. That sends up all kinds of warning flags. She should not only leave, but she should run. But you know, it’s a cute song. As cute as a song about sexual harassment can get, I guess.

(Louis Jordan and Ella Fitzgerald's voices may cancel this song off the list)

Friday, December 2, 2011

Day 2

Today’s song may cause some confusion, seeing as it is a classic. It is the “Wassail Song.”

This song is just past its prime. It is no longer relevant to anybody today. Who can tell me what it means to wassail without looking it up in the dictionary? No? Didn’t think so. The dictionary definition is “to revel with drinking.” This is a song about people putting on nice clothes and walking around getting drunk while singing about how nice they look. It makes sense now, though, that they keep talking about “the leaves so green” in the middle of the winter, and it explains the verse where they have to point out that they aren't panhandling hobos. Newer versions change (censor?) “wassailing” to “caroling,” but that doesn’t change the fact that all they are doing is wandering around calling the attention of anyone in their proximity to how they are “so fair to be seen” before wishing people a Merry Christmas. “Hey, you! Don’t I look good today? Oh yeah, and, uh, Merry Christmas I guess…”

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Day 1

There are many things that I love about Christmas. The lights, the love, the songs. But for every classy, nice thing about Christmas, there are hundreds of gaudy and tacky things. On the one hand, you have beautiful lights; on the other you have giant, inflatable, glowing snowmen and Santas. For every timeless and wonderful Christmas Carol, we have one of these:

Now I’m gonna start with a song that pretty much everybody universally hates. We all know that guy who is just too much. You first meet him and think he is a blast. He might be a bit crazy, but he’s fun! A party all the time. But soon, very soon, you grow weary of his constant boloney. This song is that guy.

Now, I’ll admit, just like most people, the first time I heard this song, I thought it was hilarious. I mean, at the time it was original and clever. The problem is, number one, that it has been played so far into the ground, it is in China. But so what? Lots of Christmas songs are overplayed. None are hated as much as this song. The second strike of this song is that it is supposed to be humorous. Things that are funny have a tendency to become less funny with time, and joke songs are then left to stand only on their musical merits. Very few make that cut. Strike three, and perhaps the most heinous of all, is that it is a country song. The twanginess of the singers voice is almost unbearable. It seems that he exaggerated it for this song, as if we didn’t understand it was a joke to begin with. All these things add up, and after the 5th time hearing it on the radio, almost everyone was ready to take their stereo behind the house and put it out of its misery. With a shotgun. It's what grandma would have wanted.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011


So I have been writing all night in preparation for "12 Days of Terrible Christmas Songs." So forgive me if I am a little written out. I mostly just wanted to point out that I have a new layout and I am ready for Christmas! If you think it sucks, that's ok. I didn't work too hard on it. Maybe 10 minutes. I love Christmas and I am excited for this year. The terrible songs start on the first of December and will be updated daily. Have a good one.

Also, if you are wondering what you can get me for Christmas without spending or effort, a little feedback would be nice. Even if you just like the link on Facebook. I just would like to see who is reading so I can write to my audience.

But if you did wanna spend a little money...

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Giving Thanks.

My dear American readers, Happy Thanksgiving. To my non-American readers, happy Thursday. Today is a day where I get to list for you all the reasons my life is awesome. And it is awesome. Incredibly awesome. There is no way I could have done anything good enough to deserve the life I have, so you are gonna have to get ready for some thanksgiving. There is going to be a lot. And it is going to be SAPPY.

First I have to mention my family. I love my family so much. Today at dinner we had 21 people at our house. That is because my parents invited pretty much everyone at Church to come. How incredible are they? Their example is a little intimidating for me. My brothers and sister are my best friends. They are always there for me, and they are just tons of fun to be around. My mom also makes the best pies in the world, but more on that later. I have also been blessed to be in the same family as Nathan. I really can't begin to describe what that means to me. How much it has shaped who I am. How lucky I am to be in a family that sees his eternal potential and helps me to see it too. How much joy his smile brings into my life. My family is also HILARIOUS. Those who know me know that laughter is very important to me, and I get that from my family. All of my happiness is somehow connected to these people, and I love them to death.

As if my family didn't give me enough love, I also happen to have the best friends that a guy could possibly ask for. They bend over backwards for me. They help me when I need it. I always have someone to talk to. When I get together with my friends we don't stop laughing. They are all geniuses in their own right. I don't know how I have found so many people that are willing to put up with my quirks. Wherever I go I find these people. They are extraordinary human beings, every one, and I love them. Thank you all. I am so lucky.

I am grateful for my mission and everything I learned there. It has been over 2 years now, but there has not been a day that has gone by that I haven't thought about that place, and missed it like crazy. This gospel is everything. I know that it is because God loves me that my life is so great, and it is because of Jesus Christ that I don't have to suffer for all of the stupid stuff I have done over the years.

One thing today especially I am grateful for is my Mom's pies. I wish I could give the entire world a slice of Mom's pie, because I swear their goodness would stop all the hatred and violence and evil. If they condensed joy into a solid form and sliced it up, it would taste exactly like these pies. I'm serious. They are that good. I ate way too much of them, and I still want more.

How awesome is my life? I haven't even mentioned the great school and quality education I get, my running vehicle, my job, my entertainment, my country, my health, I could go on forever. I also took a fantastic turkey nap this afternoon. I really have no room in my life to complain.

Each and every one of you fall into one of the first 2 categories, and as such are deserving of the highest praise. I love you. Thank you. You are an incredible human being, and if anyone tells you different, point them my way and I will be happy to prove them wrong for you. Have the happiest of holidays, you deserve it. Thank you.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Send Link

Today I got the new Zelda game. The full name is "The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword." For those who may be unfamiliar with this series, there are many, many games and they are all called "The Legend of Zelda." The basic story line of each is that the princess, Zelda, is kidnapped and the hero, Link, rescues her and saves the world in the process. The story revolves around Link and his adventures going to rescue the princess (but I'm probably wasting my breath....I mean, finger muscle energy? because all my readers are so hip and in the now). I never understood why all the games are called "The Legend of Zelda". I mean, Link totally busts his butt all the time saving the world AND Zelda, yet it is Zelda that gets the legendary status. I guess she has to be pretty awesome for Link to save her as often as he does. I mean, I think after the 4th or 5th time I would just say "No. You are gonna have to stay kidnapped for a while. I am EXHAUSTED. If I rescue you now you will never learn. Install an alarm system." You'd think as well that Ganondorf would have learned that he shouldn't mess with Zelda, since she has the most gung-ho boyfriend of all time.

Now, I love the Zelda games. They are among my favorites ever. There is one thing that they do, however, that drives me nuts. At the beginning of every game, they have to teach you the controls. I understand that. I need it. The thing that irks me about Zelda games is that they have characters in the game teach you the actual controls. It really rips me out of the story when a character tells me, " You know how to run don't you? You push the 'A' button." What? These characters are talking to Link. They aren't talking to me, sitting on my couch with the remote and buttons. They are talking to the character in the game. Now, today I looked really closely, and I confirmed that Link was not carrying a remote. What then, does he think when people tell him that hitting the + button opens his pouch?

"You don't know how to jump? It's easy! Just tap the 'X' button!"

"Number one, buddy, I am a teenager. I think I know how to jump. I have been jumping for a long time. I appreciate you trying to help me out, but you might wanna learn how to actually jump before you disperse your knowledge. I'm no scientist, but I believe that it involves the muscles in my legs contracting and being released. What is the 'X' button? Where is it? Hiding next to your stash of mind altering drugs? I think you're on drugs."

(The game is fantastic, thanks for asking.)

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Cold Turkey

Sunday night is the worst. The anticipation of Monday morning is enough to make me want to cry. The weekend is such a wonderful time for me, and jumping back into the grind is just about as enjoyable as jumping into an enormous grinder. Maybe that is why the call it the grind. As I sit here and type, my parents are in the room watching a Hallmark Channel Original Christmas Movie. I am pretty sure that these movies are all based on Hallmark Christmas cards, and written by the same people. I have never seen hokier movies in my life. The "stars" they get to be in these movies are the ones that even Lifetime thought were too "has been" to be in their movies. Some of them are really kind of funny, if you watch them in the right mood and with the right people.

I am really starting to get irritated by all the people who are freaking out about Christmas Decorations "BEFORE THANKSGIVING!" Thanksgiving is a great holiday, don't get me wrong, but how much is Christmas taking away from Thanksgiving really? Is the Christmas tree at the mall in the way of the Thanksgiving tree you were gonna put up? Are you not getting the chance to sing all those Thanksgiving Carols that you love so much?

Sometimes I do get irritated at the earliness of all the Christmasness, but I really don't understand the "OMG WHAT HAPPENED TO THANKSGIVING GUIZE!?" mentality. It is still there. I still eat so much that I am in a food induced coma for the rest of the day. I still freak out over the pies that my mom always makes (which are the best in the world), and I still am thankful for my life. Thanksgiving doesn't want to be more than that.

I am really excited for the Christmas season though, because there are so many terrible, terrible Christmas Songs to make fun of. I might write up a 12 days of terrible Christmas music extravaganza for my blog. We'll see.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Mama Mia!

Now, I'm not going to come right out and say that my mom is Superwoman, but I am going to imply it very strongly. Tomorrow our stake Temple Consecration day, and being the Stake Relief Society President, the Stake President asked her to prepare lunch for 300 people. She did. If my mother had been the Relief Society President in Sparta, the Spartan army wouldn't have had to dine in hell, because they all would have had their own sack lunch.

I view this as only slightly less miraculous than the loaves and fishes miracle. If you couldn't tell, I am kind of impressed with and proud of my mom right now. I lied before. I'm gonna say it. My mom is Superwoman.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Best Wishes!

Today on the radio I heard that one song that everybody likes about pretending airplanes were shooting stars just so that they could have a wish. The exact lyrics are, if memory serves "Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars? I could really use a wish right now." Funny story. I know that this is a pretty crazy concept for "believers" but all shooting stars are are pieces of space debris burning up in the Earth's atmosphere. Now I'll be the first to admit that a shooting star is an incredible thing to experience, and I admit that I have wished on my fair share, but really they are just hunks of flaming rock. Maybe I'm doing it wrong, but every time I wished on a shooting star, my wish was not instantly granted. And if it eventually was, it had a lot to do with my actions. My point being here, is the singer is so desperate for a wish, but I don't understand why, because you can have as many wishes as you want all the time. A moment like one where you see a shooting star just gives you a little time to think about what you truly desire. I get the impression that they know what they are gonna wish for. The wish is already there. Why, then does she need to wish on an airplane? Is she expecting that if she gets the go ahead from the "wish guy" or whoever the heck she is singing to and wishes on an airplane that her wish will instantly be granted? Why does she have to pretend airplanes are shooting stars? Why is she justifying her choice of what to wish on? Wish on whatever you want! There is no "wish guy". Shooting stars aren't magic. 11:11 isn't fairy godparent time. Birthday candles aren't genies.

You know what? Forget the whole wish thing altogether. Prayer is where it's at. That actually gets you somewhere.

(Sidenote: Five leaf clovers are the real deal though. I found one once, made a wish on it and it was almost immediately granted. Sadly you can't pretend airplanes are five leaf clovers, BoB or whoever is asking.)

Happy 11/11/11!

Saturday, November 5, 2011

That's Cold

It is that time of the year again, when the temperature outside takes a nosedive and everything starts to die. As the temperature drops, inevitably someone (me) will complain about the cold, and just as inevitably someone will say "I would rather be cold than hot." I cannot comprehend this way of thinking. These people, without fail, only have one reason why this is the case. "You can always put more clothes on, but you can only take so much off." I am a big fan of heat. I would much rather be hot than cold. You may say "That's because you went to the Caribbean on your mission and are acclimatized." To that I say "Umm hello, individual? I have been home for 2 years and spent both winters in the frigid and barren tundra known as Rexburg, Idaho." I have way more reasons that warm weather is way better than cold. I will narrow it down to 10 though. Now I realize that in both extremes, the end result of prolonged exposure is death. I do not wish to enter into that.

1. My first reason is to prove the above reason flawed and basically the stupidest thing ever. First of all, putting on all those layers of clothes is hard work, and takes a ridiculous amount of time. Then, once you arrive where you need to be, you once again have to invest an enormous amount of energy and time taking it off. I also have never found a way to keep my hands and face warm. It is usually the case that while my torso is EXTREMELY warm, my hands and face feel like they are about to drop off my body at any minute. Also there is the problem with the perpetual hat hair I have in the winter. When it is hot you put on shorts and a t shirt and you are ready to go. You can also swim or have a water balloon fight which is way fun and also relieving.

2. I have never once gone outside, no matter how hot and humid it was, and immediately thought that my life might be in danger. My body did not start to convulse on it own. I have never felt the need to sprint to my car to escape the heat. This is the case EVERY TIME it is cold.

3. So I sprint to the car to huddle for warmth, only to realize I am going to have to spend the better part of 15 minutes scraping of the thick layer of ICE that has adhered to my windshield, mirrors, and windows.

4. When it is hot, stepping into an air conditioned structure brings nearly immediate relief. When you go out into the cold, and you come back into your warm house, It doesn’t matter. You will still be freezing cold for another 10 minutes at least. YOU HAVE TO THAW. If your extremities are cold (which they ALWAYS will be) You will never get them warm.

5. It has to be INCREDIBLY hot for heat to be hazardous to driving conditions

6. When you are hot getting wet is beneficial. When you are cold getting wet is potentially deadly. It seems to happen more too.

7. FROSTBITE? Way worse than a sunburn. Potential limb loss.

8. Heat is uncomfortable, Cold is painful.

9. Your car will get stolen while you are heating it up.


Now, I don't want to be a complete humbug. I do love playing in the snow. But playing in the snow gets old pretty quickly. After a while all the snow turns into chunks of ice and brown slush. I guess you could also argue that because cold weather is so incredibly miserable, drinking hot chocolate in front of a fireplace is one of the best feelings ever. I won't argue with that, but in my experience, all of the nice things about winter happen in the first month or two. By February, no one is sledding. No one is out building snowmen. They are at home wishing and praying that it will all go away. The cold is lame.

One of these guys is that friend who is fun almost all of the time and the other is that guy you hang out with once or twice who seems fun but turns out to be kind of a jerk.

Monday, October 31, 2011

Hello ween

Since today is Halloween, I thought I would try a little something different. I can't really put a costume on this entry, but I can "dress up" my language to sound like someone different. I can still pretend to be someone else as I write this. So I decided that who I wanted to be was a 18-19th century individual who traveled through time... and decided to blog about it I guess.

It is the evening of October the 31st in the year of 2011. I am a long way, or, rather, a long when from my home. It is the night of "All Hallows Even." It appears that the traditions of the holiday have been greatly altered from those of my time. For instance, in my time we dressed as saints to scare away evil demons, wicked spirits, and all manner of unseemly creatures. In this day, it is shocking to see that grown men have dressed themselves in the tightest of clothing, with nothing to cover their shame but long capes on their backs. They call themselves "superheroes" but nothing in their manner recalls to my memory the heroes of old. It seems to me that many of these men are insecure and dress as these "heroes" to absorb themselves, for this one evening, in some sort of fantasy. The women, on the other hand, use the holiday as an excuse to remove the greater part of their clothing and run around in nothing but their undergarments. It is quite scandalous and shameful. It seems it is the children, however, that take greatest advantage from this holiday. They also get to absorb themselves in this world of fantasy, but instead of using their costume to try and impress females for the chance of courtship, like the men, or to show the largest amount of their skin as is lawful as the women do, they don their disguises and begin to solicit sweets from their surrounding neighbors. The neighbors seem to be delighted at this notion, and are quite likely to give them the confections they require. I began to desire some of the sweets that were being so freely passed, so I decided to try this "trick for treat." It seems that I did not have the same bewitching power as the children, because as I knocked on the same doors, instead of delight and sweets, all that waited was ugly looks and reprimands. It seems that I am unwelcome and must return to my own time. Godspeed.

-Octavius Blatherstone III

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

The Bored Room

I know what you are all thinking, "Wow, 3 blogs in one week! What did we do to deserve this?" I assure you that you are not being punished, I have just been especially bored lately. My mom always teases me when I complain about being bored. "OH NO!" she says. "That is a fate worse than death for you." And I have to truthfully respond to her now with an "almost." Boredom is the worst, and it is hard for me, because I suffer from ADD. I have been able to control it up to the point where I can function somewhat in society, but oh look oreos, I need some milk. HAHA! ADD humor! I guess the point I am trying to make here is that my attention span leaves a lot to be desired.

I really need something exciting to happen in my life on a pretty regular basis. Right now I am past due for something crazy fun. Don't get me wrong. My life is awesome. I have the best family and the coolest friends. We have fun all the time. If my entire life was being awesome with my friends and family I would have nothing to complain about. The awesomeness of my friends and family just make the moments of boredom worse. I have been spoiled into thinking that life should be a party all day every day. I really think it should and could be. But I have been home working for several months now, and the routine is starting to get to me. If something exciting doesn't happen soon my head may explode, which would admittedly be very exciting, though not helpful, because I would be dead.

Therefore I need to start planning exciting things instead of just sitting here writing in my blog. Look, a Balloon T-Rex!

Monday, October 24, 2011


I want to talk today about curse words. I have never particularly been a fan of these words, but they have always intrigued me. Before you jump down my throat I will include the disclaimer here, in case my Bishop or someone is reading this and wondering, that I do not use or condone the use of swear words. I also apologize because I just went through this and it isn't very funny. If that is a problem you can stop reading now if you want.

Growing up, profanities, like many things, confused me. What was it about these words that made them so much worse than other words? I mean, I understood that swear words referred to things that were vulgar, but I also understood that while words like "poop" only drew funny faces and mild reprimands whereas other, less repeatable words sparked a frenzy like I'd never before seen. Words were words to me, and out of a list of several that meant the same thing, for some reason one was unacceptable.

Looking at them now, from the perspective of an English major, I understand that these words not only mean bad things, some are insanely insulting and others take sensitive subject matter and present it in a way that is much too casual. Not only that but they also sound ugly. While these words mean they same thing as other words, they portray them in a way that draws out strong emotions. And that is mainly the way that curse words are used today. They are all about the shock and awe and not so much about the meaning or content. Essentially they are the Ozzy Osbourne of one's vocabulary.

People today swear because they associate the strong feelings tied to these words with the passion of their argument, or because they mistake the shock value for humor. To me, swear words are the lazy and unintelligent way to emphasize or bring emotion to what you are trying to say. They are like sentence steroids, amping up the feeling and emphasis of the sentence, while sacrificing what really makes feeling and emphasis important.

It is possible to beef up your sentence without these performance enhancers, but it requires people to actually study the English language a bit, and to exercise their communication skills. For some reason this makes people defensive more than anything I know of. If you correct somebody's math they laugh and comment about how much they hate math, or about how bad they are at it. Correct their English and they react the same as if you'd personally dug up their dog and used it's corpse to wash your car. I have probably already offended tons of people with my unapologetic criticism of vulgarians. I WILL NOT APOLOGIZE FOR THE TRUTH! I will apologize if I offended people though, because that really was not my intention. I guess what I am trying to say is that the next time you are tempted to swear, ask yourself what you could say that would be more intelligent and meaningful. I guarantee that there is something.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Trial and Error

I have a lot of free time just to think, and I occasionally will think about why my life is as awesome it is. This exercise of counting my blessings has led me to be extremely grateful that I was born into the era I was born into. I mean, with all of the technology that we have and the comforts we enjoy, we have it easy. This video explains pretty well how I feel about life:

Life is awesome. I often think about how terrible it would be for me to have been born in a different era. I watched the movie 17 Miracles and realized how grumpy I get when I have to walk to the Ricks building at school when it is snowing, yet these people spent all day wading back and forth through a frozen river with only a quarter of a bowl of nasty oatmeal stuff in their stomachs. I skip breakfast and say "I'm STARVING!" and as I stare into my fridge and cupboard at the vast amounts of food I complain about how there is nothing to eat.

I think the point of history class is to show people how miserable it would have been to live in the past. Everyone knows how much it would have sucked to have to live during the Bubonic Plague. People dying all around and those creepy crow doctors coming in to terrify you in your last moments of life.
Seriously, this was the last thing a lot of people saw before they died

What really freaks me out the most, however, are the eras that predate written language. I used to think being a caveman would have been awesome, but then I found out that there was no way that humans and dinosaurs interacted and my opinion changed. These eras that occured before we progressed enough to draw images to convey information to others must have been terrible. Everything they learned was through good old fashioned trial and error. Think about it for a while. I have always heard people joke around about who had the idea to eat eggs or who drank milk from a cows utter the first time. But seriously think about it. There was a time in human history where we had to figure out what was edible and what was not. Entire generations of people with no one to tell them from experience what was good for food and what wasn't. Presumably they just ran around sticking everything they could find in their mouths to see if it was good to eat. Then, once fire was invented and they figured out some things tasted different once cooked, they had to start all over again.

For every wheel or flame they discovered, there must have been thousands of failures and deaths trying things that seemed like a good idea at the time. These were eras before common sense was invented, and nature isn't always the best example. How many cavemen died trying to fly because they saw birds do it? I mean, people were dying trying to do that up to 150 years ago, long after thinking became popular.

Although I do make plenty of stupid mistakes, I am extremely grateful for those who came before me who made the stupidest mistakes. Those who gave their lives in the earliest pursuits of knowledge, so that I, hundreds of thousands of years later, can think back and laugh at how incredibly asinine they seem to me today.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Life Is But A Dream

I often wonder about the lyrics of the song "Row, row, row your boat." I mean, does that guy love rowing his boat or what? Life is but a dream? Is he on drugs? That is some pretty psychedelic talk for a rowboater. What is that song supposed to teach children anyway? All work you do is meaningless because life is but a dream. Row gently, because you really aren't in control, you are going down the stream and are at the mercy of the current. Don't wear yourself out.

This has been one of those weeks. I like how you can just say that and not have to really explain. Everyone knows what "those weeks" are. It is never really like "Dude, it has been one of those weeks this week." "An ice cream party week? Zombie apocalypse week? Specify please!" The way we can do that fascinates me. The evolution of communication is an awesome thing.

There is a baseball player on the Brewers named Prince Fielder. That is hilarious to me. Are his parents Queen Pitcher and King Batter? "Go grab your sister Princess Shortstop honey, it's time for dinner." I think the Brewers should have changed their logo for October to include the three witches from Macbeth. They were the coolest Brewers.

Why is it called October when it is the tenth month? Everyone knows that Octo means 8, so it would make sense for October to be the eighth month right?

These are the things I think about.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Blast From The Past

So I was trying to think of something to blog about, but I couldn't. Instead, I am going to copy and paste something I wrote in April 2007:

Hello all my friends
I am wearing pants right now
you're very welcome

If you were not aware, the above phrase is a haiku. A Haiku is a sort of poem in which the first line has 5 syllables, the second has 7, and the last once again 5. I love haiku's. They are short, and to the point. I wonder who's idea it was though. I mean was some guy just sitting there thinking "I really want to write a poem, but I don't feel like writing more than 3 lines. Maybe every line should have 5 syllables in, variety is the spice of life...the second will have 7! hahahaha! I am a genius!" I really don't get it.

I also like limericks. Did you know that 85% of limericks made up on the spot contain "Nantucket"? Probably not, because I just made that figure up. Were limericks invented in Nantucket? Is that the reason half of all limericks have it in there? I can only think of a few things that even rhyme with it. This poor man from Nantucket always is holding a bucket of some sort, or screaming obscenities.

Enough about poetry. Other things I don't understand. How can people claim that no two snowflakes are alike? How can they be so sure? Have they seen every single snowflake that has ever existed? I don't think they have.

I have a theory. This theory is that if you want to become famous, you either have to die young, or go completley insane by the end of your life. Think about it. That is why so many actors and actresses are scientologists nowadays, because they don't want to die.

I also think that the breaking a mirror is bad luck thing was made up by an angry mom. I bet it all went down like this. Some kid was being reckless and broke his moms mirror. Maybe he even did this more than once. His mom got pissed off and told him that for every mirror he broke it was 7 years of bad luck. He then told all his friends.

The other day I was driving along and I passed this old man. He was all alone in the car, and he was just smiling really big. This led me to realize most people look pissed off when they drive. Pissed off or totally blank. This old man got me thinking how much I take for granted. He just looked so happy for the opportunity to drive a car. He looked like he was just happy that he was able to still have his drivers license. I'm probably totally wrong though. He was probably just senile.

I have a hard time sometimes thinking of things to type, so I'll hit shift, then not type anything. I'll often do this 5 times in a row, bringing up the sticky keys option.

This is the end guys
Have a great day or evening
I rock at haiku

That was it. I must've been pretty tired when I wrote that. Oh, and another thing. Read Melissa's blog. It is pretty awesome:

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Awe! I am bloging about things that drive me nuttttttttts!

Today on my blog I am going to rant about things people do on the internet that would make most of their second grade English teachers cry bitter tears. I have touched on some of it on Facebook already, so if some of this seems repetitive, that is because it is.

Sometimes a word ends in a silent e. For example "Fine." If one wants to extend this word, it will not do to repeat the silent e. Fineeeeeee does not equal Fiiiiiiiiiine. The sound that you want to emphasize should be extended. Also, if the word ends in a consonant that isn't s,n,f,r,l,z,v or m it cannot be extended either. sweetttttttttt is not sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet. The multiple t's make it sound more like a machine gun.
There are some words that when putting them in past or present participle form require the person to add an extra consonant. This rule is very important to remember. When you say "I poped my balloon" you are not saying that you made your balloon explode, you are saying that you made it the head of the Roman Catholic Church. Of course this goes both ways. You cannot add a consonant where it doesn't belong. Batman is not the "capped crusader." In fact, he rarely wears hats with his costume.
Lastly (for now), when you find something cute, or want to express sympathy, "awe" is not the correct expression. The dictionary gives the following definition for awe:
"an overwhelming feeling of reverence, admiration, fear, etc.,produced by that which is grand, sublime, extremely powerful, or the like."
So unless that picture of a puppy in people clothes inspired fear and respect or finding out your friend had a cold shocked you into the realization of the fragility of life and majesty of the immune system, then you are using the wrong term. What you are looking for is "aw," which is just a noise that people make. Once or twice I have seen the incorrect use of this word combined with the first issue I raised to create "aweeee!" which is just all kinds of wrong. To me it looks as though the person was interrupted in the middle of their thought by an amusement park ride of some sort.
I realize that this blog post will mainly be read by literate individuals, but I hope that someday we can all work together to make the internet a much more intelligent place.

Friday, September 30, 2011

Yeah, I changed the layout again.

So I made a new layout for the month of October because October is gonna be ridiculously awesome. More like Rock-tober, Am I right!? Ahem... sorry about that. Anyhow, I'm super excited for season 2 of "The Walking Dead"and for Halloween and stuff. Happy October!

(I'll write an actual entry soon.)

Monday, September 19, 2011

Guardening- The War Against Mother Nature.

Today as I pulled weeds at my job at work, I did a lot of thinking about gardening. Flower gardening to be precise. Really, flower gardening is just saying, "Woah, Mother Nature, what is going on here? These plants don't work together at all! And obviously you have yet to grasp the concept of spacing. You know what, Mother Nature? I'll take it from here. Thanks. No really." Then not only do we tear up the plants that were naturally there, we slander them with the moniker weeds.

Apparently Mother Nature hasn't taken this too well, and so she does everything she can to sabotage our flower gardening efforts. Have you ever tried to grow flowers from seeds? It's like trying to care for a patient that is constantly in critical condition. Everything has to be exactly right, or the flower will die. Don't water them enough? Dead. Water them to much? Dead. Too much sun? Dead. Too little sun? Dead. Look at them the wrong way? Dead. What divas!

If by some miracle you manage to grow a plant big enough, you then have to transfer it to the garden. I think there is a higher rate of success doing heart transplants than plant transplants. And once they are in your garden you have to care for them constantly.

And not only has Mother Nature turned your plants quite literally into pansies, but she has turned her weeds into some sort of superplant that is invulnerable to most attacks. You can pull them all the day long, and if you leave even the tiniest fragment of root in the ground, expect that plant to be back in full force within the week. They pop up by the hundreds overnight, intent on giving you early-onset arthritis and back trouble. But hey, at least your yard is pretty.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

New Layout

I made a new layout because I was bored with the other one. This one is a play on the Blogs name. Zak Attack/ Shark Attack. GET IT!? Well I need to go to bed. Night.

Friday, September 2, 2011

Country Strong

Hello readers. I feel like right now I should put to rest any rumors you may have heard about me. Yes. I did get a job. It is a good job and I love the people I work with. They are enormous rednecks. While I have only worked there for a week, I feel I have learned some invaluable lessons from them.

Working with Rednecks, I hear a lot of country music. (I would like to take a moment before I continue any further to apologize to any of my 4 readers who love country music.) I used to think that I hated country music. I refused to listen to it. But my eyes have been opened to it's true value: humor. Country music is HILARIOUS! My first piece of evidence comes in the form of a song about a man who has found that his woman is cheating on him. Not a very humorous premise, I admit, but through the genius of country style it becomes a gold mine of stereotype humor. The song is called, "That ain't my truck." Behold:

I used to think that it was a joke that all they sing about was trucks and farming and dogs, but now I've found that joke was wholly inadequate. When it comes to pride in their lifestyle, no other genre of music can hold a candle to Country. Even rappers can't hold a candle to it. I don't know if this is some deep seeded insecurity, or a hugely inflated sense of pride. I think it is most likely both. I have only listened to in total maybe 10 songs, but at least three were completely about how much better it is to be a redneck than any other. According to these men if you can't skin a buck you have failed at life. The rest attempted to be about something else, but gosh darnit if that country pride didn't seep in and take over. One touching song about a father spending time with his daughter becomes an ode to fishing. It is incredible!
I still would not listen to Country, given the choice, but I have found it to be an enjoyable experience nonetheless. To close I leave you with this light and upbeat song about infidelity and homicide in one man's family:

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

That makes no SCENTS! ( I kill myself!)

So today after my run I was understandably sweaty so I got in the shower. To my dismay the manly scented shampoo was gone ( I always use the manly scented stuff because I am so manly). I begrudgingly looked at my other choices and saw one that said "Ocean Breeze". This confused me. Anyone who has ever been around the ocean knows the scent of an ocean breeze is not particularly one that should be bottled up and rubbed in your hair. So I opened it up and took a smell, and let me tell you, they were WAY off. It was sweet and clean and nice, basically the opposite of the salty, wet, fishy sea. It was more appealing than an actual breeze from the sea, which is why I wondered why they bothered to call it "Ocean Breeze". How did we start doing that? "People like ocean breezes right? Why don't we call this 'Ocean Breeze'?" "But sir, I thought people bought soap so that they wouldn't smell like salty water..." "You're fired."

On an unrelated note, be on the lookout for my new cologne, "Bacon Grease."

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

This One's For Kyle.

It seems that I complain a lot about things that I don't understand. Why can't I wear shorts on BYU-Idaho's campus? Why does the economy suck so bad? Why do I have to shave so often (One uppers, I know that you shave more often than me.)? I thought to myself, maybe I complain too much. Maybe I should try something different. Then I thought, Nah. So tonight is more of the same.

You know what I never understood? Why they call left-handed people "south paws". Now I understand that the use of paw is there to mean hand. That's cute and whatever, but why the south? Right now as I sit , my right hand is on the south side of my body. I don't know if the coiner of that phrase was aware, but human beings can turn in different directions. Maybe he meant south as in down, but my hands are both about the same distance from the floor, and so my left hand could not really be considered my predominantly south hand. Maybe there is some sort of reference I don't understand. I would really like to know the story.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Let's Make Like a Banana

I am truly sorry to my loyal readership for my long absence. I would tell you that the reason that I haven't written is because I have been terribly busy, but I made a goal to be honest. The real reason is that several weeks ago, my drive left me. It was without warning and I even surprised at the speed in which I lost all desire to be productive, but that is what happened.

I just saw a commercial for The first thing that happened was some woman saw a couple arguing in a car and said something like "for when you need a divorce lawyer." To me that seemed a bit presumptuous, but hey, who am I to judge? I was just relieved that there is a service that gets me a divorce lawyer FAST. When I want a divorce, I don't wanna have time to think about it. I wanna get a divorce while I am still furious and irrational. I mean, if I took the time to cool down, I might change my mind and open myself up to another argument at a later time. This is a big step in the direction of my new idea, the drive through divorce court.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

This Post is Magical

Now that I know that my blog is visited by literally tens of people, some may say that I should up my game, produce material of quality, and make my followers happy. Instead, here is a post about Harry Potter.

JK Rowling is a genius. I mean really. She wrote a book about wizards. Wizards who practice magic. It is the magic part that blows me away. I mean, it is SO easy! Oh no! Harry is in danger! How will he escape this time? MAGIC! I mean, it isn't even an original concept. Parents have been using this to explain things they don't understand for years. "How does the TV work?" "Uh... Magic!" JK Rowling just took it to the next level.

I say this because just this week we watched the 7th Harry Potter movie. I had one problem with that. There is a scene in that movie where Harry, Hermione, and Ron all infiltrate the Ministry of Magic to find one of the Horcruxes. They do it by drinking a polyjuice potion, which allows them to temporarily transform into anyone whose hair they happen to have, so they abduct several ministry officials and enter the Ministry. Now, the Ministry is essentially the Pentagon of the magic world, yet they slip in unnoticed and just walk into several very important people's offices. Now, keep in mind that these are the good characters. They were able to break into one of the most important establishments in the "magical world" using a potion that Hermione has been making since she was 12 years old. What? I can't even begin to think of the implications of that. Apparently everyone in the wizarding community goes by the honor code when it comes to important government buildings because even with all the magic of the Harry Potter Universe, they have NO security measures.You'd think that being able to do ANYTHING using the deus ex machina of magic, Rowling could have added something to protect the government. I mean you get into the place by flushing yourself down the toilet. They better hope no unsuspecting person accidentally flushes himself down and finds himself in the middle of the ministry quite literally with his pants down.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

What do you think?

I think it is funny when teachers phrase their test questions in such a way that they are asking for your opinion. The first time I came across one of these questions, I was almost giddy with joy. There was no way I could get this wrong! No one can tell me what I think! Apparently I was wrong. Apparently people can and do tell you what you think, because I got that question wrong.

Do not ask me "What are your thoughts on the evolution of the Roman Empire throughout it's history?" and expect an answer other than "Well, I think it's funny they all wore togas." Technically that isn't even wrong, because you asked me what I thought.

Apparently teachers believe that they know what I am thinking better than me. They tell me, "No, your thoughts are that 'The evolution of Rome is symbolic of all empires and shows us that even in the most sophisticated of cultures have a barbaric side, and all dynasties eventually meet an end.'" Ah! See, because I thought that I was thinking that other stuff. It is nice of you to get in my head and show me what really is going on up there! Apparently, I am incredibly smart. If I could learn to tap into my own brain, I would be unstoppable!

I guess what I am really trying to say is that teachers need to be more specific about what they're looking for when they write questions.

Sunday, June 5, 2011


They say that creativity is dead, but I disagree. While it may be true that we are running out of new and original ideas for TV, there is still a lot of creativity going on. Case and point: right now I am watching a show about pigs. An entire show about wild hogs. And the mind blowing thing is, it has my attention. That takes some mad creativity. I mean whenever I hear the premise of some of these shows I scoff at them, but then they come on and I'll be darned if they aren't entertaining. I mean there are multiple shows out there about Pawn shops. TV shows about people doing their jobs. Fishing, repo, driving trucks. TLC has based their programming block around midgets doing everything imaginable. They all sound so ridiculous and boring, but somehow, through the miracle of man's ingenuity, they make these things intense. That in itself is worthy of some sort of praise. I, for one, am excited to see in the future, a tense reality show about the drama of working fast food.

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Job Hunting!

Looking for jobs is the worst. I think with the economy the way it is, employers are just messing with us to see how much we’ll do for a job that pays minimum wage. I mean really. Applications nowadays are more like the ACT. They take 3 hours each to fill out. They ask the most retarded questions too. They make it impossible for you to be honest and still get the job. I know because I was honest, and I never got the jobs.

They ask questions like, “If you are hired will you make the company your number one priority?” Absolutely. I will most definitely put food, shelter, and love in the backseat to make sure that the company is happy. I mean, for $7.50 an hour? Who needs a family? “Will you do anything in your personal life that might be embarrassing to the company?” That depends. I ribbon dance in spandex, would the company be embarrassed by that? “Would you describe yourself as the happiest person you know?” Holy crap yes. I have sunshine shining out places where the sun doesn’t usually shine. Do I have the job yet?

When they aren’t making you feel that you aren’t qualified to work a part time retail job, they are asking questions that insult your intelligence. “You are working and you see a vial of deadly poison is leaking on to the salads. Do you A) Ignore it? B)Notify the manager and throw it away? C) Eat it all yourself? D) Try and brush the poison off the salad?” Hmm… I wonder which one I should do? “

And then there is the best question of all, “What do you think your weaknesses are?” Hmmm, potential employer, let me just spill all of my personal problems out to you. That will help me get employed, right? Well, I am self conscious, diabetic, irresponsible, and unorganized. I have daddy issues and sometimes I bite my nails. I’m also not very good at math! I figured out a way to answer that question honestly without completely shutting down my chances with the company. When they ask what my weaknesses are, I tell them, “Well, I don’t understand quantum physics very well. When people speak to me in Japanese I generally don’t understand what they are saying. Also, I am extremely vulnerable to knife and gun attacks, seeing as I am made of flesh. I also guess that I am weak because I would not be willing to kill someone to further my own selfish ambitions, and movie villains really seem to think that is a weakness.”

I am applying for a job at JC Penny, not the Pentagon.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Running Out of Ideas

So, I've kept a steady running schedule for over a week now, which is a new record for me here at school. I suppose that I owe much of that to my brother-in-law Stephen, who has made sure that I keep on track (hahahaha, puns).

Running makes me really hungry. Not that I'm not always hungry. I eat a lot of cereal. The thing with cereal is it isn't filling at all. I eat a bowl and feel exactly the same as I did. It is a futile struggle. I know what you are thinking, "Zak, buddy, there are other foods!" (at least that's what I think you would be thinking, because we are friends and all. ) I am perfectly aware of my options. There are two problems. Most of them require to much preparation to be worth it, and I really just crave cereal. I am cursed to a perpetual state of not full enough to be comfortable.

Today was Memorial Day, and I did a lot of thinking about my Grandparents that have passed on. They did so much for me. They raised my favorite parents. My Grandpa Dahl was a Korean War Vet. They were all stellar example and great people. Seriously though guys, They were legit. I miss them all the time, but I know that they're waiting for me on the other side.

Saturday, May 21, 2011


You know what kills me? Recipes that put as their last step, “Enjoy!” I mean, it is the perfect scheme. Nobody can say “I tried your recipe. I hated it.” because then they can just say “Well you didn't follow all the steps.” “Yes I did, I followed them to the letter.” “Well then you would have enjoyed it!”

I have a recipe for you all, and I guarantee that if you follow ALL the steps, you’ll enjoy it.

1 cup dirt

3tbsp Cod liver oil

3 cups dogfood

5 cups flour

1 cow stomach, whole.

1. Mix the first 4 ingredients and cover the stomach in it.

2. Fill the stomach with the rest of the mixture.

3. Marinate in the toilet for 2 weeks.

4. Deep fry

5. Soak in toilet for 30 minutes

6. Bury in the ground for 7 days.

8. Dig up and serve.

9. Enjoy!

*makes enough for 4