Yeah, I changed the layout again.

So I made a new layout for the month of October because October is gonna be ridiculously awesome. More like Rock-tober, Am I right!? Ahem... sorry about that. Anyhow, I'm super excited for season 2 of "The Walking Dead"and for Halloween and stuff. Happy October!

(I'll write an actual entry soon.)

Guardening- The War Against Mother Nature.

Today as I pulled weeds at my job at work, I did a lot of thinking about gardening. Flower gardening to be precise. Really, flower gardening is just saying, "Woah, Mother Nature, what is going on here? These plants don't work together at all! And obviously you have yet to grasp the concept of spacing. You know what, Mother Nature? I'll take it from here. Thanks. No really." Then not only do we tear up the plants that were naturally there, we slander them with the moniker weeds.

Apparently Mother Nature hasn't taken this too well, and so she does everything she can to sabotage our flower gardening efforts. Have you ever tried to grow flowers from seeds? It's like trying to care for a patient that is constantly in critical condition. Everything has to be exactly right, or the flower will die. Don't water them enough? Dead. Water them to much? Dead. Too much sun? Dead. Too little sun? Dead. Look at them the wrong way? Dead. What divas!

If by some miracle you manage to grow a plant big enough, you then have to transfer it to the garden. I think there is a higher rate of success doing heart transplants than plant transplants. And once they are in your garden you have to care for them constantly.

And not only has Mother Nature turned your plants quite literally into pansies, but she has turned her weeds into some sort of superplant that is invulnerable to most attacks. You can pull them all the day long, and if you leave even the tiniest fragment of root in the ground, expect that plant to be back in full force within the week. They pop up by the hundreds overnight, intent on giving you early-onset arthritis and back trouble. But hey, at least your yard is pretty.

New Layout

I made a new layout because I was bored with the other one. This one is a play on the Blogs name. Zak Attack/ Shark Attack. GET IT!? Well I need to go to bed. Night.

Country Strong

Hello readers. I feel like right now I should put to rest any rumors you may have heard about me. Yes. I did get a job. It is a good job and I love the people I work with. They are enormous rednecks. While I have only worked there for a week, I feel I have learned some invaluable lessons from them.

Working with Rednecks, I hear a lot of country music. (I would like to take a moment before I continue any further to apologize to any of my 4 readers who love country music.) I used to think that I hated country music. I refused to listen to it. But my eyes have been opened to it's true value: humor. Country music is HILARIOUS! My first piece of evidence comes in the form of a song about a man who has found that his woman is cheating on him. Not a very humorous premise, I admit, but through the genius of country style it becomes a gold mine of stereotype humor. The song is called, "That ain't my truck." Behold: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HNY4KwFjwaU

I used to think that it was a joke that all they sing about was trucks and farming and dogs, but now I've found that joke was wholly inadequate. When it comes to pride in their lifestyle, no other genre of music can hold a candle to Country. Even rappers can't hold a candle to it. I don't know if this is some deep seeded insecurity, or a hugely inflated sense of pride. I think it is most likely both. I have only listened to in total maybe 10 songs, but at least three were completely about how much better it is to be a redneck than any other. According to these men if you can't skin a buck you have failed at life. The rest attempted to be about something else, but gosh darnit if that country pride didn't seep in and take over. One touching song about a father spending time with his daughter becomes an ode to fishing. It is incredible!

I still would not listen to Country, given the choice, but I have found it to be an enjoyable experience nonetheless. To close I leave you with this light and upbeat song about infidelity and homicide in one man's family: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u7BxLkdtyg4

That makes no SCENTS! ( I kill myself!)

So today after my run I was understandably sweaty so I got in the shower. To my dismay the manly scented shampoo was gone ( I always use the manly scented stuff because I am so manly). I begrudgingly looked at my other choices and saw one that said "Ocean Breeze". This confused me. Anyone who has ever been around the ocean knows the scent of an ocean breeze is not particularly one that should be bottled up and rubbed in your hair. So I opened it up and took a smell, and let me tell you, they were WAY off. It was sweet and clean and nice, basically the opposite of the salty, wet, fishy sea. It was more appealing than an actual breeze from the sea, which is why I wondered why they bothered to call it "Ocean Breeze". How did we start doing that? "People like ocean breezes right? Why don't we call this 'Ocean Breeze'?" "But sir, I thought people bought soap so that they wouldn't smell like salty water..." "You're fired."

On an unrelated note, be on the lookout for my new cologne, "Bacon Grease."

This One's For Kyle.

It seems that I complain a lot about things that I don't understand. Why can't I wear shorts on BYU-Idaho's campus? Why does the economy suck so bad? Why do I have to shave so often (One uppers, I know that you shave more often than me.)? I thought to myself, maybe I complain too much. Maybe I should try something different. Then I thought, Nah. So tonight is more of the same.

You know what I never understood? Why they call left-handed people "south paws". Now I understand that the use of paw is there to mean hand. That's cute and whatever, but why the south? Right now as I sit , my right hand is on the south side of my body. I don't know if the coiner of that phrase was aware, but human beings can turn in different directions. Maybe he meant south as in down, but my hands are both about the same distance from the floor, and so my left hand could not really be considered my predominantly south hand. Maybe there is some sort of reference I don't understand. I would really like to know the story.

Let's Make Like a Banana

I am truly sorry to my loyal readership for my long absence. I would tell you that the reason that I haven't written is because I have been terribly busy, but I made a goal to be honest. The real reason is that several weeks ago, my drive left me. It was without warning and I even surprised at the speed in which I lost all desire to be productive, but that is what happened.

I just saw a commercial for lawyers.com. The first thing that happened was some woman saw a couple arguing in a car and said something like "for when you need a divorce lawyer." To me that seemed a bit presumptuous, but hey, who am I to judge? I was just relieved that there is a service that gets me a divorce lawyer FAST. When I want a divorce, I don't wanna have time to think about it. I wanna get a divorce while I am still furious and irrational. I mean, if I took the time to cool down, I might change my mind and open myself up to another argument at a later time. This is a big step in the direction of my new idea, the drive through divorce court.