Job Hunting!

Looking for jobs is the worst. I think with the economy the way it is, employers are just messing with us to see how much we’ll do for a job that pays minimum wage. I mean really. Applications nowadays are more like the ACT. They take 3 hours each to fill out. They ask the most retarded questions too. They make it impossible for you to be honest and still get the job. I know because I was honest, and I never got the jobs.

They ask questions like, “If you are hired will you make the company your number one priority?” Absolutely. I will most definitely put food, shelter, and love in the backseat to make sure that the company is happy. I mean, for $7.50 an hour? Who needs a family? “Will you do anything in your personal life that might be embarrassing to the company?” That depends. I ribbon dance in spandex, would the company be embarrassed by that? “Would you describe yourself as the happiest person you know?” Holy crap yes. I have sunshine shining out places where the sun doesn’t usually shine. Do I have the job yet?

When they aren’t making you feel that you aren’t qualified to work a part time retail job, they are asking questions that insult your intelligence. “You are working and you see a vial of deadly poison is leaking on to the salads. Do you A) Ignore it? B)Notify the manager and throw it away? C) Eat it all yourself? D) Try and brush the poison off the salad?” Hmm… I wonder which one I should do? “

And then there is the best question of all, “What do you think your weaknesses are?” Hmmm, potential employer, let me just spill all of my personal problems out to you. That will help me get employed, right? Well, I am self conscious, diabetic, irresponsible, and unorganized. I have daddy issues and sometimes I bite my nails. I’m also not very good at math! I figured out a way to answer that question honestly without completely shutting down my chances with the company. When they ask what my weaknesses are, I tell them, “Well, I don’t understand quantum physics very well. When people speak to me in Japanese I generally don’t understand what they are saying. Also, I am extremely vulnerable to knife and gun attacks, seeing as I am made of flesh. I also guess that I am weak because I would not be willing to kill someone to further my own selfish ambitions, and movie villains really seem to think that is a weakness.”

I am applying for a job at JC Penny, not the Pentagon.