Country Strong

Hello readers. I feel like right now I should put to rest any rumors you may have heard about me. Yes. I did get a job. It is a good job and I love the people I work with. They are enormous rednecks. While I have only worked there for a week, I feel I have learned some invaluable lessons from them.

Working with Rednecks, I hear a lot of country music. (I would like to take a moment before I continue any further to apologize to any of my 4 readers who love country music.) I used to think that I hated country music. I refused to listen to it. But my eyes have been opened to it's true value: humor. Country music is HILARIOUS! My first piece of evidence comes in the form of a song about a man who has found that his woman is cheating on him. Not a very humorous premise, I admit, but through the genius of country style it becomes a gold mine of stereotype humor. The song is called, "That ain't my truck." Behold: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HNY4KwFjwaU

I used to think that it was a joke that all they sing about was trucks and farming and dogs, but now I've found that joke was wholly inadequate. When it comes to pride in their lifestyle, no other genre of music can hold a candle to Country. Even rappers can't hold a candle to it. I don't know if this is some deep seeded insecurity, or a hugely inflated sense of pride. I think it is most likely both. I have only listened to in total maybe 10 songs, but at least three were completely about how much better it is to be a redneck than any other. According to these men if you can't skin a buck you have failed at life. The rest attempted to be about something else, but gosh darnit if that country pride didn't seep in and take over. One touching song about a father spending time with his daughter becomes an ode to fishing. It is incredible!

I still would not listen to Country, given the choice, but I have found it to be an enjoyable experience nonetheless. To close I leave you with this light and upbeat song about infidelity and homicide in one man's family: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u7BxLkdtyg4

That makes no SCENTS! ( I kill myself!)

So today after my run I was understandably sweaty so I got in the shower. To my dismay the manly scented shampoo was gone ( I always use the manly scented stuff because I am so manly). I begrudgingly looked at my other choices and saw one that said "Ocean Breeze". This confused me. Anyone who has ever been around the ocean knows the scent of an ocean breeze is not particularly one that should be bottled up and rubbed in your hair. So I opened it up and took a smell, and let me tell you, they were WAY off. It was sweet and clean and nice, basically the opposite of the salty, wet, fishy sea. It was more appealing than an actual breeze from the sea, which is why I wondered why they bothered to call it "Ocean Breeze". How did we start doing that? "People like ocean breezes right? Why don't we call this 'Ocean Breeze'?" "But sir, I thought people bought soap so that they wouldn't smell like salty water..." "You're fired."

On an unrelated note, be on the lookout for my new cologne, "Bacon Grease."

This One's For Kyle.

It seems that I complain a lot about things that I don't understand. Why can't I wear shorts on BYU-Idaho's campus? Why does the economy suck so bad? Why do I have to shave so often (One uppers, I know that you shave more often than me.)? I thought to myself, maybe I complain too much. Maybe I should try something different. Then I thought, Nah. So tonight is more of the same.

You know what I never understood? Why they call left-handed people "south paws". Now I understand that the use of paw is there to mean hand. That's cute and whatever, but why the south? Right now as I sit , my right hand is on the south side of my body. I don't know if the coiner of that phrase was aware, but human beings can turn in different directions. Maybe he meant south as in down, but my hands are both about the same distance from the floor, and so my left hand could not really be considered my predominantly south hand. Maybe there is some sort of reference I don't understand. I would really like to know the story.

Let's Make Like a Banana

I am truly sorry to my loyal readership for my long absence. I would tell you that the reason that I haven't written is because I have been terribly busy, but I made a goal to be honest. The real reason is that several weeks ago, my drive left me. It was without warning and I even surprised at the speed in which I lost all desire to be productive, but that is what happened.

I just saw a commercial for lawyers.com. The first thing that happened was some woman saw a couple arguing in a car and said something like "for when you need a divorce lawyer." To me that seemed a bit presumptuous, but hey, who am I to judge? I was just relieved that there is a service that gets me a divorce lawyer FAST. When I want a divorce, I don't wanna have time to think about it. I wanna get a divorce while I am still furious and irrational. I mean, if I took the time to cool down, I might change my mind and open myself up to another argument at a later time. This is a big step in the direction of my new idea, the drive through divorce court.

This Post is Magical

Now that I know that my blog is visited by literally tens of people, some may say that I should up my game, produce material of quality, and make my followers happy. Instead, here is a post about Harry Potter.

JK Rowling is a genius. I mean really. She wrote a book about wizards. Wizards who practice magic. It is the magic part that blows me away. I mean, it is SO easy! Oh no! Harry is in danger! How will he escape this time? MAGIC! I mean, it isn't even an original concept. Parents have been using this to explain things they don't understand for years. "How does the TV work?" "Uh... Magic!" JK Rowling just took it to the next level.

I say this because just this week we watched the 7th Harry Potter movie. I had one problem with that. There is a scene in that movie where Harry, Hermione, and Ron all infiltrate the Ministry of Magic to find one of the Horcruxes. They do it by drinking a polyjuice potion, which allows them to temporarily transform into anyone whose hair they happen to have, so they abduct several ministry officials and enter the Ministry. Now, the Ministry is essentially the Pentagon of the magic world, yet they slip in unnoticed and just walk into several very important people's offices. Now, keep in mind that these are the good characters. They were able to break into one of the most important establishments in the "magical world" using a potion that Hermione has been making since she was 12 years old. What? I can't even begin to think of the implications of that. Apparently everyone in the wizarding community goes by the honor code when it comes to important government buildings because even with all the magic of the Harry Potter Universe, they have NO security measures.You'd think that being able to do ANYTHING using the deus ex machina of magic, Rowling could have added something to protect the government. I mean you get into the place by flushing yourself down the toilet. They better hope no unsuspecting person accidentally flushes himself down and finds himself in the middle of the ministry quite literally with his pants down.

What do you think?

I think it is funny when teachers phrase their test questions in such a way that they are asking for your opinion. The first time I came across one of these questions, I was almost giddy with joy. There was no way I could get this wrong! No one can tell me what I think! Apparently I was wrong. Apparently people can and do tell you what you think, because I got that question wrong.

Do not ask me "What are your thoughts on the evolution of the Roman Empire throughout it's history?" and expect an answer other than "Well, I think it's funny they all wore togas." Technically that isn't even wrong, because you asked me what I thought.

Apparently teachers believe that they know what I am thinking better than me. They tell me, "No, your thoughts are that 'The evolution of Rome is symbolic of all empires and shows us that even in the most sophisticated of cultures have a barbaric side, and all dynasties eventually meet an end.'" Ah! See, because I thought that I was thinking that other stuff. It is nice of you to get in my head and show me what really is going on up there! Apparently, I am incredibly smart. If I could learn to tap into my own brain, I would be unstoppable!

I guess what I am really trying to say is that teachers need to be more specific about what they're looking for when they write questions.

Piggies!

They say that creativity is dead, but I disagree. While it may be true that we are running out of new and original ideas for TV, there is still a lot of creativity going on. Case and point: right now I am watching a show about pigs. An entire show about wild hogs. And the mind blowing thing is, it has my attention. That takes some mad creativity. I mean whenever I hear the premise of some of these shows I scoff at them, but then they come on and I'll be darned if they aren't entertaining. I mean there are multiple shows out there about Pawn shops. TV shows about people doing their jobs. Fishing, repo, driving trucks. TLC has based their programming block around midgets doing everything imaginable. They all sound so ridiculous and boring, but somehow, through the miracle of man's ingenuity, they make these things intense. That in itself is worthy of some sort of praise. I, for one, am excited to see in the future, a tense reality show about the drama of working fast food.