Monday, November 21, 2011

Send Link

Today I got the new Zelda game. The full name is "The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword." For those who may be unfamiliar with this series, there are many, many games and they are all called "The Legend of Zelda." The basic story line of each is that the princess, Zelda, is kidnapped and the hero, Link, rescues her and saves the world in the process. The story revolves around Link and his adventures going to rescue the princess (but I'm probably wasting my breath....I mean, finger muscle energy? because all my readers are so hip and in the now). I never understood why all the games are called "The Legend of Zelda". I mean, Link totally busts his butt all the time saving the world AND Zelda, yet it is Zelda that gets the legendary status. I guess she has to be pretty awesome for Link to save her as often as he does. I mean, I think after the 4th or 5th time I would just say "No. You are gonna have to stay kidnapped for a while. I am EXHAUSTED. If I rescue you now you will never learn. Install an alarm system." You'd think as well that Ganondorf would have learned that he shouldn't mess with Zelda, since she has the most gung-ho boyfriend of all time.



Now, I love the Zelda games. They are among my favorites ever. There is one thing that they do, however, that drives me nuts. At the beginning of every game, they have to teach you the controls. I understand that. I need it. The thing that irks me about Zelda games is that they have characters in the game teach you the actual controls. It really rips me out of the story when a character tells me, " You know how to run don't you? You push the 'A' button." What? These characters are talking to Link. They aren't talking to me, sitting on my couch with the remote and buttons. They are talking to the character in the game. Now, today I looked really closely, and I confirmed that Link was not carrying a remote. What then, does he think when people tell him that hitting the + button opens his pouch?

"You don't know how to jump? It's easy! Just tap the 'X' button!"

"Number one, buddy, I am a teenager. I think I know how to jump. I have been jumping for a long time. I appreciate you trying to help me out, but you might wanna learn how to actually jump before you disperse your knowledge. I'm no scientist, but I believe that it involves the muscles in my legs contracting and being released. What is the 'X' button? Where is it? Hiding next to your stash of mind altering drugs? I think you're on drugs."

(The game is fantastic, thanks for asking.)

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