An Ode to A Bygone Apocalypse

 Well, 2012 is drawing to a close, and neither Facebook nor Twitter seemed to allow me an appropriate amount of space to express everything I want to about this year, so I have blown some of the dust off of my poor blog and started to type, (which, being the sharp bunch you are, have probably already noticed.)

 We have all had good times this year. We have also had some pretty lame times. But as we all gather together to send off the big 2-0-1-2 there is one thing that we can all say: SUCK IT MAYANS! HAHAHA! Seriously though, it is nice that we didn't all die. That would have put a real damper on the New Year festivities.

As far as years go, for me anyway, 2012 was not the worst. I have had some real fun and met some awesome people. I would like to wish all of those who made this year as awesome as it was my sincere gratitude.Thanks guys, you really are awesome. I would like to especially thank the small percentage of those people who are taking the time to read this. You really are a rare breed.

If next year is full of as many great people as this one was, it is gonna be a really good one. Undoubtedly, this year will not all be one big party, but I don't have to accept that yet. Until the time comes where I am forced to accept that the year will have to be made up of many, many little parties, I wish you the happiest 2013 the universe can offer and I will catch you all on the flip side (and yes, I am aware that it is gonna be 2013, not 1991. I can use whatever phrases I want, thank  you.)

Super!

I have a problem, dear readers. I know what you are thinking, but before you unleash your chorus of "Well DUH." Hear me out. This is a problem I've had for a while. When people compliment me on my amazing good looks, I don't know whether I should say "Thank you" or "You're welcome"! You see what I'm saying?

Ok, I'm sorry. That was mean. What's that though? How have I been? That is what you are thinking right? It is either that or "This guy should really stop trying to read our minds, he sucks at it." I'm gonna assume the former, because we are, like best friends! I have been well. Just living the dream. The dream where I'm going to school and whatnot. Thankfully not the one where I go to school in just my underwear, though. I kinda wish I was living the dream where I was able to run super fast, but unfortunately that is not the one. 

It's a good dream

I do have to apologize for my absence, I know you have missed me. Ok, now I'm sure you're thinking that I suck at mind reading, and frankly it isn't appreciated. Anyway, I am sorry. I feel like I say that every blog post. I need to stop that.

So yesterday was international post "May the 4th be with you!" on your Facebook wall day. That was fun wasn't it? A fun day to watch the Avengers! To be fair Sam Jackson was in it. How awesome would it have been if, along with the eyepatch, Nick fury had two hook hands? Then we could argue over whether or not he was Mace Windu in disguise. 

Who is he really?

I know you are thinking that this is the nerdiest thing you have ever heard, but I can assure you that that is not the nerdiest thing I have ever said. Not even close. 

It isn't even the nerdiest thing I have shoddily conceptualized on Photoshop.

I am way stoked for this summer though. Why? In 3 words: DARK KNIGHT RISES. In several words: That movie is going to be the cinematic experience of a lifetime and I am losing my mind watching the trailers.  And in other news my first nephew is due around the same time. How awesome would it be if he was born on Batman day!? Steph, make it happen. For me. 

PSA

I made this for you:

The BAYne of my existence.

I know you've all been waiting with bated breath to get my opinion on, what I think, is one of the greatest atrocities I've ever heard of in my life.

This. This is the thing.

Well, I spent a good long time writing a letter to Michael Bay, and here's a draft:

Dear Mr. Bay,

Contrary to popular opinion I don't hate all the movies you've done. I am, in fact, a big fan of explosions. However, I am afraid that you seem to be a bit confused. You've recently stated your plans to reboot the TMNT, which, I must admit, is a subject near and dear to my heart.

Forever.

Now, I don't mean to embarrass you, but you have apparently not done enough research in the writing of your movie. Actually, you must not have done any research at all. If you had, you would have discovered that TMNT is actually short for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and not, as you believe, Teenage Alien Ninja Aliens, AND IF YOU MAKE IT THAT WAY I WILL COME TO YOUR HOUSE AND I WILL CUT YOU! SO HELP ME, I WILL EAT YOUR SOUL!... excuse me I lost my composure for a minute. Mr. Bay, I don't know what my inner child ever did to offend you, but I deeply and sincerely apologize. Please leave my childhood alone. Please. If you do this I WILL BURY YOU ALIVE IN A COFFIN FILLED WITH THE BITTER TEARS OF ALL THE CHILDREN YOU HAVE SO CARELESSLY HURT. I urge you to reconsider.

Professionally yours,

Zak Ison

Super Zero

Howdy readership. Have I told you lately that I love you? Because I do. If you read my blog, I love you. Not just because you read my blog though. It's deeper than that. Knock Knock, who's there? You. You are there. You are beautiful people.

This is you guys

So I have been watching X-men: The Animated Series on Netflix lately, because I use my time wisely. If you are surprised by this, hello! My name is Zak. We obviously have not met. As I watch X-men and other shows and movies like it, I am always really impressed that the heroes and villains have the presence of mind to have all this witty banter while people are trying to kill them and things are exploding all around them.

*Hero gets shot at as he or she runs around. Shoots a man in the face*

Hero: He really bit the bullet on that one.

Villain: I have a surprise for you.

H: Will I like it?

V: It's to die for!

*Explosion right behind hero*

H: I PREFER THIS RINGING IN MY EARS TO HEARING YOUR VOICE, LOSER!

V: No need to shout. My you have an explosive temper!

H: ARE YOU STILL TALKING!? YOU'RE MAKING MY EARS BLEED! BUT SERIOUSLY, I CAN'T HEAR YOU, MY EARDRUMS ARE RUPTURED.

Sometimes I imagine myself in situations like that.

Yes. Sometimes...

I like to believe that in a similar situation I would be that smooth and composed, throwing out one liners as quickly as I was throwing out bullets and grenades. But who am I kidding? It would definitely not work like that. It would probably be more like this:

*I get shot at as I run around. Shoot a man in the face*

Me: Holy Crap! I just shot a guy! I need therapy!

Villain:I have a surprise for you!

M: I don't want it!

V: Um... Well I already put a deposit on it, so you are getting it anyway!

*Explosion right behind me*

M: AHHHHH MY EARS! I CAN'T HEAR! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT!

V:Don't explode at me!

M: MY EARS ARE BLEEDING! HOLY CRAP I'M DEAF! OH MAN THIS IS BAD!

V: I can't play off of this. How am I supposed to be witty when you are freaking out like this?

M: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Even if I succeeded and saved the day, I wouldn't be cool. I would be freaking out and be in therapy for PTSD for the rest of my life. Oh well.

Fortunate Son

Today is awesome. Number one, it is my parents anniversary. The celebration of the formation of our family. It also happens to be Pi day. A day to celebrate pi, sure, but also a day to celebrate PIE. I love pie. It is my favorite dessert. My Mom also happens to make the best pies. Is this a coincidence? Yes. Yes it is. But it is a hilarious and awesome coincidence. This day needs TRADITIONS!

You know what I want to try my hand at? Writing fortune cookies. How much fun could you have with that? Here are a few of my ideas:

Mary, I know what you did. You can't hide it from me.

(This might not make a lot of sense to a lot of people, but can you imagine if a woman named Mary got that cookie?)

Today is a good day to run away and join the circus, but if that's not your thing then I would, I dunno, be nice to others so they will be nice to you. There you go.

Commit to that goal you've been meaning to make. You'll die if you don't.

Today, you are the most awesome person in the world. Way to go!

Leave a good tip. These people work hard to give you good Chinese.

Some people are born with greatness. Others have greatness thrust upon them. Others get advice from cookies.

Do you have any sweet ideas?

Child's Play

I would like to wish my entire readership a happy International Woman's Day (I am under the impression that pretty much all of my readers are attractive single women). I must confess that I wasn't aware today was Woman's Day until late last night. It confused me. Why did we still have school? I mean, we didn't have school on President's Day. I mean, presidents are great, but a day celebrating over 50% of the planet? And we have to go to school? That, to me, is bush league. Grade A baloney. Women are awesome, and I didn't feel I had time today to celebrate them correctly today.

I thought today, for all the ladies out there, I would talk about my childhood. I was a pretty adorable child.

Eh? Eh?

Anyway, when I was a kid I thought the reason Sunday was called Sunday was because it NEVER rained that day. I seriously thought that the Sun had to come out every Sunday. It took forever too, for it to finally rain on a Sunday. I was so mad. I was mad at the universe. It lied to me.

I also used to take that "don't step on a sidewalk crack" thing really seriously. Who was the sick individual who came up with that rhyme? I mean threatening my family? and for what? so that little children could walk around like idiots? Don't step on a sidewalk crack or your mom'll fall and break her back. And it would've been all my fault. Imagine if it would have happened on Woman's day! Sick.

Sheeple

Oh hey, look. I finally updated my layout. Sorry it's blurry-ish. At least it's AWESOME. In case you weren't aware, this was the winner of the Layout contest thing on my blog's Facebook Page, which you can still like, if you like my blog and haven't liked it already.

I have a lot of homework this weekend. So much that instead of doing it I am working on my blog. I do it because I have excellent priorities. I actually had a lot more homework, but I did have a spurt of responsibility and got a ton of it done (So don't be too worried, Mom and Dad). But now I am going to offer you more of my opinions and thoughts.

Valentine's day is coming up. People have a lot of opinions on Valentine's day. In three days expect a flood of "VALENTINE'S DAY IS SO DUMB I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND AND I STILL THINK THAT IT'S STUPID BECAUSE I AM JUST SO SMART." kinds of posts. I hate to tell you this, but these people are better than you. They are so much smarter and better, in fact, that they can no longer have any fun. They are too smart to fall for that kind of child's play. Why would you just have one day set aside to show love to the special people in your life? You can do that every day! You are stupid for giving into the hype created by the evil arts and crafts tycoons. They are sitting up there on their throne of lies laughing at you for being gullible enough to fall for their "VALENTINE'S DAY" scam. It's a good thing that these people are here for you. They can save you from your ignorance.

This kind of person can also save you from liking a movie the common, uneducated masses think is awesome, because they know better. You enjoyed the new Sherlock Holmes? Have you even read the books? That movie sucked. Why? They would try to explain, but you are too dumb to understand.They can already tell that the Avengers is going to be lame. Why? They just can. They have a pretentious sixth sense.

I am dumb. I don't see a problem with Valentine's day. I don't think that the war on Christmas is a thing. I like bad movies. I like to, heaven forbid, have fun sometimes. Ignorance is bliss. People can be better than me if they want. I'm probably to stupid to even notice they are scoffing at me. "Look at that idiot over there being happy," They'll say "I am so much better than him because I shun happy things. I know better." And good for them. I will never achieve that level of awesomeness. I guess I'll just wallow down here in my fun and joy.

About Time

It has been a whole month since I last posted a blog. How terrible is that? I still have my Christmas layout up. I am that guy who doesn’t take down his Christmas Decorations until months after Christmas, but online. I apologize. I could give you all these excuses about how busy I am and how much work school gives me, but….I just did, actually. Anyway, I will try to do better.

You know what freaks me out? Time travel. I can’t think about it for too long, or my brain starts melting out of my ears. As you may know I have a very critical and inquisitive mind, and nothing about time travel ever makes sense to me. Every little change can change EVERYTHING in the future. Every little shift. There are countless tiny little events that HAVE TO HAD OCCURRED for you to even exist, and if one, even one of those things is altered, boom. You’re gone. And no one notices. Nobody notices anything is off, but everything has changed. If time travel EVER exists EVER, then we cannot be sure of anything. Our lives could constantly be shifting. All of the experiences I remember and all the things I’ve done could change if someone goes back and trips over the wrong thing or stands in the wrong place. Each small action has a nearly infinite amount of implications.

One good thing is, though, that time travel provides an excellent excuse for anything. “I had a job, Mom. I was a doctor yesterday, probably. It’s those darn time travelers, always screwing with things.”

“Why are you late to class?”

“Time travelers.”

“What?”

“Well, I was gonna be on time for class, but some time traveler dropped a napkin, so some guy bent over to pick it up, blocking another pedestrian who then had to slow down for a moment, causing her to cross the street in front of me at the moment that I was at that crosswalk which led to me hit a red light which stopped me from catching my roommate as he was leaving, and that prevented me from learning that he had spilled water on the toaster and shorted out the electricity in our apartment, so I was unaware that my computer was running on battery so when it ran out and shut down, I lost all the work I did on our assignment and had to go to the library and finish it there, and because I was there at that time I ran into an ex-girlfriend who talked my ear off. Most likely.”

In fact, I probably wrote all kinds of sweet blog posts in January, but then – time travel. I will be better about writing in the future, unless time travelers screw that up too.

That Was An Overreaction

Hello readers! Welcome to my first blog post of 2012, the year of doom. I probably don't have to explain to you what I mean, since you have all been alive for the past several years, but I am going to anyway, because I can. The Mayan Calender ends on December 21st 2012 and so OBVIOUSLY that is the date the world is going to end. This is something I don't understand. I have a Batman calender still hanging on my wall at home that ended December 31st 2010, and the world is still here. I fail to see the correlation. I think the problem is that people in our day have a tendency to blow things way out of proportion. I blame the media.

And Chocolate

Seriously though, think back. How many times in recent memory were we all going to die? Swine flu? Bird flu? West Nile? Global warming is gonna kill us too. A while back I guess that it was a second ice age. Way back people were all afraid that the saber-tooth tiger population was going to rise up and kill everybody. The reason I blame the media is because it is totally their fault. They need to keep people watching, and people are only entertained for so long by videos of water skiing squirrels. When there is a "Global crisis" people are watching the News 24/7. They want all the facts all the time. Only when there is immediate danger will people respond and that is what the media needs to get ratings.

What is wrong with this country? This is adorable.

But really, it isn't just big things we overreact on. Take a brief click on over to Facebook or any comments section of any webpage. Every time you see someone use all caps or more than one exclamation point take a gulp of water. If they do both take two. I can almost guarantee you will die of water poisoning within the hour.

It is even evident in the way we speak. The word "awesome" used to mean something truly incredible. Things like seeing the Earth from outer space, or the killing power of the great white shark. You know, things that inspire awe. With that in mind, this is an actual conversation that I had recently.

Me: Hey, what's up?

Friend: Nothing, just watching Spongebob.

Me: Awesome!

Magnificent. There are no words.

All this overreacting, I feel, is bad for society. If it doesn't stop WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE.