Job Hunting!

Looking for jobs is the worst. I think with the economy the way it is, employers are just messing with us to see how much we’ll do for a job that pays minimum wage. I mean really. Applications nowadays are more like the ACT. They take 3 hours each to fill out. They ask the most retarded questions too. They make it impossible for you to be honest and still get the job. I know because I was honest, and I never got the jobs.

They ask questions like, “If you are hired will you make the company your number one priority?” Absolutely. I will most definitely put food, shelter, and love in the backseat to make sure that the company is happy. I mean, for $7.50 an hour? Who needs a family? “Will you do anything in your personal life that might be embarrassing to the company?” That depends. I ribbon dance in spandex, would the company be embarrassed by that? “Would you describe yourself as the happiest person you know?” Holy crap yes. I have sunshine shining out places where the sun doesn’t usually shine. Do I have the job yet?

When they aren’t making you feel that you aren’t qualified to work a part time retail job, they are asking questions that insult your intelligence. “You are working and you see a vial of deadly poison is leaking on to the salads. Do you A) Ignore it? B)Notify the manager and throw it away? C) Eat it all yourself? D) Try and brush the poison off the salad?” Hmm… I wonder which one I should do? “

And then there is the best question of all, “What do you think your weaknesses are?” Hmmm, potential employer, let me just spill all of my personal problems out to you. That will help me get employed, right? Well, I am self conscious, diabetic, irresponsible, and unorganized. I have daddy issues and sometimes I bite my nails. I’m also not very good at math! I figured out a way to answer that question honestly without completely shutting down my chances with the company. When they ask what my weaknesses are, I tell them, “Well, I don’t understand quantum physics very well. When people speak to me in Japanese I generally don’t understand what they are saying. Also, I am extremely vulnerable to knife and gun attacks, seeing as I am made of flesh. I also guess that I am weak because I would not be willing to kill someone to further my own selfish ambitions, and movie villains really seem to think that is a weakness.”

I am applying for a job at JC Penny, not the Pentagon.

Running Out of Ideas

So, I've kept a steady running schedule for over a week now, which is a new record for me here at school. I suppose that I owe much of that to my brother-in-law Stephen, who has made sure that I keep on track (hahahaha, puns).

Running makes me really hungry. Not that I'm not always hungry. I eat a lot of cereal. The thing with cereal is it isn't filling at all. I eat a bowl and feel exactly the same as I did. It is a futile struggle. I know what you are thinking, "Zak, buddy, there are other foods!" (at least that's what I think you would be thinking, because we are friends and all. ) I am perfectly aware of my options. There are two problems. Most of them require to much preparation to be worth it, and I really just crave cereal. I am cursed to a perpetual state of not full enough to be comfortable.

Today was Memorial Day, and I did a lot of thinking about my Grandparents that have passed on. They did so much for me. They raised my favorite parents. My Grandpa Dahl was a Korean War Vet. They were all stellar example and great people. Seriously though guys, They were legit. I miss them all the time, but I know that they're waiting for me on the other side.

ENJOY!

You know what kills me? Recipes that put as their last step, “Enjoy!” I mean, it is the perfect scheme. Nobody can say “I tried your recipe. I hated it.” because then they can just say “Well you didn't follow all the steps.” “Yes I did, I followed them to the letter.” “Well then you would have enjoyed it!”

I have a recipe for you all, and I guarantee that if you follow ALL the steps, you’ll enjoy it.

1 cup dirt

3tbsp Cod liver oil

3 cups dogfood

5 cups flour

1 cow stomach, whole.

1. Mix the first 4 ingredients and cover the stomach in it.

2. Fill the stomach with the rest of the mixture.

3. Marinate in the toilet for 2 weeks.

4. Deep fry

5. Soak in toilet for 30 minutes

6. Bury in the ground for 7 days.

8. Dig up and serve.

9. Enjoy!

*makes enough for 4

Today I was walking around campus and I saw a couple holding hands. Sweet right? What a wonderful outward expression of the closeness of two people. Except for not really. Though this couple was holding hands, they could scarcely have been farther apart. Had they moved a few inches farther apart, their arms would have been horizontal.

It saddens me to say that this may be my last Blog post ever. The rapture is supposedly tomorrow, which is convenient. I have a lot to do this weekend, and if I get taken then I won't have to go through the hassle. The guy is pretty convinced his calculations are correct. I read a story about a animal shelter offering to take in the pets of raptured individuals. That is silly though, because the cats won't even notice that they're gone, and everyone knows all dogs go to heaven.

I am disappointed that I will not be able to watch the next Batman movie because of this though. I was all for 2012 and going out with a bang, but I guess that this is what I have to deal with. That being said I guess I better figure out something cool to do tonight, maybe watch The Dark Knight.

If this really is it, readers, I thank you for your support and love, and I'll catch you later.

Where is Tall Man?

I was thinking today, which I am sure many people wish I would stop doing, and I realized that children’s songs have some of the most retarded lyrics of all time. Either that, or there is some deep hidden meaning…

Take, for example, Where is Thumbkin? Many people get distracted by the fact that you get to stick up your middle finger in that song, but when one examines the lyrics, one has to wonder what they are all about. It starts with a call to Thumbkin, a call which is answered by not one, but two individuals. They nervously exchange pleasantries, and then both flee. Now what is going on here? Maybe it is a case of mistaken identity, or perhaps coincidence. But no, as the song progresses it is obvious that there is something amiss because exactly two answer every call, and then almost immediately run away. Why are they so frightened? It seems to me that there is a conspiracy here. Perhaps robot imposters trying to take over?

Another one is the song Did you ever see a Lassie? Now this seems like a frivolous song at first glance. Did I ever see a lassie go this way and that? Yes. I have. Is she lost? To me the writer of the song was distressed by the flakiness he observed in some women. They seemed to go this way and that way, changing their minds in the blink of an eye.

Or maybe I am just thinking too hard.

Nobody Likes You When You're 23

So it is almost the anniversary of my first day on the planet earth. Today we had a double party celebrating the graduation of my sister from college and my birthday. Behold the cake:

Not knowing how to spell congratulations, the girl apparently just slapped that plastic thing on the cake. Then, not knowing how to spell birthday, she oozed out the word “Brithday” followed by my sister’s name and mine. I was not there when the cake was made, and I don’t think that I have ever done anything to offend the girl who decorated it, so I have no idea why she felt that I didn’t deserve her well wishes. All I get is a statement. A misspelled statement of fact. No “Happy Brithday Zak!” Just “Brithday” on a cake that appears to be decorated for a 7 year old girl. Good thing it was so delicious.

In Spirit

I apologize to the 2 or so people that actually read what I post for the long absence. It was finals week and I was busy. Now I am back and have a week long break! woohoo!

You know what I think is hilarious? When people tell you that they will be somewhere “in spirit.” I wish that was actually how life worked. “I don’t have enough money to physically go see that movie, good thing I have the ability to project my soul anywhere I want.” That should be a superhero’s superpower. That way he can say, “I will be there in spirit!” and actually mean it. That could even be his catchphrase.