Running Out of Ideas

So, I've kept a steady running schedule for over a week now, which is a new record for me here at school. I suppose that I owe much of that to my brother-in-law Stephen, who has made sure that I keep on track (hahahaha, puns).

Running makes me really hungry. Not that I'm not always hungry. I eat a lot of cereal. The thing with cereal is it isn't filling at all. I eat a bowl and feel exactly the same as I did. It is a futile struggle. I know what you are thinking, "Zak, buddy, there are other foods!" (at least that's what I think you would be thinking, because we are friends and all. ) I am perfectly aware of my options. There are two problems. Most of them require to much preparation to be worth it, and I really just crave cereal. I am cursed to a perpetual state of not full enough to be comfortable.

Today was Memorial Day, and I did a lot of thinking about my Grandparents that have passed on. They did so much for me. They raised my favorite parents. My Grandpa Dahl was a Korean War Vet. They were all stellar example and great people. Seriously though guys, They were legit. I miss them all the time, but I know that they're waiting for me on the other side.

ENJOY!

You know what kills me? Recipes that put as their last step, “Enjoy!” I mean, it is the perfect scheme. Nobody can say “I tried your recipe. I hated it.” because then they can just say “Well you didn't follow all the steps.” “Yes I did, I followed them to the letter.” “Well then you would have enjoyed it!”

I have a recipe for you all, and I guarantee that if you follow ALL the steps, you’ll enjoy it.

1 cup dirt

3tbsp Cod liver oil

3 cups dogfood

5 cups flour

1 cow stomach, whole.

1. Mix the first 4 ingredients and cover the stomach in it.

2. Fill the stomach with the rest of the mixture.

3. Marinate in the toilet for 2 weeks.

4. Deep fry

5. Soak in toilet for 30 minutes

6. Bury in the ground for 7 days.

8. Dig up and serve.

9. Enjoy!

*makes enough for 4

Today I was walking around campus and I saw a couple holding hands. Sweet right? What a wonderful outward expression of the closeness of two people. Except for not really. Though this couple was holding hands, they could scarcely have been farther apart. Had they moved a few inches farther apart, their arms would have been horizontal.

It saddens me to say that this may be my last Blog post ever. The rapture is supposedly tomorrow, which is convenient. I have a lot to do this weekend, and if I get taken then I won't have to go through the hassle. The guy is pretty convinced his calculations are correct. I read a story about a animal shelter offering to take in the pets of raptured individuals. That is silly though, because the cats won't even notice that they're gone, and everyone knows all dogs go to heaven.

I am disappointed that I will not be able to watch the next Batman movie because of this though. I was all for 2012 and going out with a bang, but I guess that this is what I have to deal with. That being said I guess I better figure out something cool to do tonight, maybe watch The Dark Knight.

If this really is it, readers, I thank you for your support and love, and I'll catch you later.

Where is Tall Man?

I was thinking today, which I am sure many people wish I would stop doing, and I realized that children’s songs have some of the most retarded lyrics of all time. Either that, or there is some deep hidden meaning…

Take, for example, Where is Thumbkin? Many people get distracted by the fact that you get to stick up your middle finger in that song, but when one examines the lyrics, one has to wonder what they are all about. It starts with a call to Thumbkin, a call which is answered by not one, but two individuals. They nervously exchange pleasantries, and then both flee. Now what is going on here? Maybe it is a case of mistaken identity, or perhaps coincidence. But no, as the song progresses it is obvious that there is something amiss because exactly two answer every call, and then almost immediately run away. Why are they so frightened? It seems to me that there is a conspiracy here. Perhaps robot imposters trying to take over?

Another one is the song Did you ever see a Lassie? Now this seems like a frivolous song at first glance. Did I ever see a lassie go this way and that? Yes. I have. Is she lost? To me the writer of the song was distressed by the flakiness he observed in some women. They seemed to go this way and that way, changing their minds in the blink of an eye.

Or maybe I am just thinking too hard.

Nobody Likes You When You're 23

So it is almost the anniversary of my first day on the planet earth. Today we had a double party celebrating the graduation of my sister from college and my birthday. Behold the cake:

Not knowing how to spell congratulations, the girl apparently just slapped that plastic thing on the cake. Then, not knowing how to spell birthday, she oozed out the word “Brithday” followed by my sister’s name and mine. I was not there when the cake was made, and I don’t think that I have ever done anything to offend the girl who decorated it, so I have no idea why she felt that I didn’t deserve her well wishes. All I get is a statement. A misspelled statement of fact. No “Happy Brithday Zak!” Just “Brithday” on a cake that appears to be decorated for a 7 year old girl. Good thing it was so delicious.

In Spirit

I apologize to the 2 or so people that actually read what I post for the long absence. It was finals week and I was busy. Now I am back and have a week long break! woohoo!

You know what I think is hilarious? When people tell you that they will be somewhere “in spirit.” I wish that was actually how life worked. “I don’t have enough money to physically go see that movie, good thing I have the ability to project my soul anywhere I want.” That should be a superhero’s superpower. That way he can say, “I will be there in spirit!” and actually mean it. That could even be his catchphrase.

April Fool

I don’t know what happened today, but everyone on my facebook was either engaged or pregnant. My friend got laid off from his job… It seems all these life changing events were all happening on the same day. I wonder what it is about the beginning of April that makes people make such rash decisions. I guess it will have to remain a mystery.

APRIL FOOLS! Anyway, I am so happy that April is here. April is my favorite month. Possibly because my birthday falls in it. I don’t know. But I love it so. To bad it has to start with such deceit.

Well, I am having a hard time thinking of things to write, so I will post a random rant. A while ago I saw this movie. It was amazing the things I had heard about this movie. Supposedly it was so good it would change my life, or something. I watched it, eager to partake in it’s quality, and was thoroughly disappointed. Not only was it not life changing, I thought it was one of the stupidest movies I had ever seen. Yes, I am talking about Scott Pilgrim.

Now I realize that this may lose me some followers, but holy cow was this movie dumb. I asked all my friends why they thought it was so great and all they could say was, “You didn’t get the references? There were like crazy tons of video game references.” I did get the references. I was not impressed. The REAL video game references were few, and the butt-ton of generic references weren’t that clever. At first I thought I was just stupid and was missing all the references, but then I remembered that I was a HUGE nerd, and there is no way that my friends got references I didn’t. Here is the thing, references are fun, but you can’t make a movie that is totally crappy references. The plot was retarded and made no sense, and the characters were all enormous tools.

If someone would please explain to me why this movie was worth my time, I would appreciate it. I really want to know what it is I am missing that everyone around me apparently is seeing that is so great. I need enlightenment. Please enlighten me.